Jan 9, 2009
I'm kind of totally loving Marko's post about boredom today; sometimes, I know exactly how he feels. It's like the perfect blog post: sad, self-depracating, honest, funny, short and sweet. Go check it out and cheer him up with a story you heard on Oprah. People love it when you do that; it's heartwarming and educational, which everybody enjoys! I wish people would do it more, actually: I truly appreciate receiving third-party life lessons and depressing book recommendations from Oprah disciples. It's like getting an Oprah-approved STD, without the sexual contact.
I pity you Oprah lovers, with your free cars and your abnormally-gifted children and your couch-jumping; you're like the Japanese tourists at Disneyland! You're worse than those zombie Mac lovers I MEAN APPLE WHORES. Worship at the swollen feet of your false gods, but not this one... did you ever think about giving Jesus a chance?!
But what about all of the people she helps, Snotty? What about single-handedly trying to save Africa? WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN?! I don't need to warm my heart with Chicken Soup, and bully the children. While you people are sniveling with Oprah about LIVING! LOVING! AND LEARNING! [canned applause], I'm making myself useful on the internet, like playing Scrabble and checking my email. I don't have time for television sobfests; I do have time to sob in the shower over my SECOND ASS, but that's another story. At this point, Oprah herself would have to come to my house and stab me in the face to get my tears. She would have to manually squeeze my eyeballs with her own two fingers just to get one drop.
I think she does help people, but I'm pretty sick of the show being one big infomercial for overpriced products, overhyped celebrities, and Spirituality-in-a-Can; I don't watch it, and yet I am surrounded by Oprah everywhere. I can't tell you how many times I've heard, "...this one time? on Oprah?"--in the same reverential tones people reserve for GOD, or band camp. I'm glad she donates money and feeds the poor and turns ugly bitches into beautiful swan-like bitches, but I still think she's a sanctimonious cow. Freak out if you must, Oprah fans. I'm going to go LIVE MY BEST LIFE!