Miss America 2009 was on a couple of nights ago; we stopped to watch a couple of the girls do their 'thing', whatever that entailed. None of them impressed me (I say that like any of them ever have), and during the Evening Gown competition - also known as THE GLITTERY TRAIN TO NOWHERE - one fun-lovin' contestant said something like:
Blah blah blah beauty - skin deep - blah blah what's in your heart that matters - blah blah chance of a lifetime - blahdy blah blah "because beauty and happiness should come from the inside and just OOZE out of you!"
Snotty: Oh my GOD.
Esq: Yes, Miss America should be more OOZING.
Esq: That's the best word you could come up with? How about 'ejaculate'? How about you VOMIT happiness all over America?
So that's what beauty pageants are all about: vomiting beauty and ejaculating happiness. I always wondered. Now it all makes sense.
Last year's Miss America was from Farmington Hills, Michigan, and her platform issue was, ironically, vomiting. Or rather, raising awareness of eating disorders. She was also a teenager, had nothing listed under "Talent" on the official Miss America website, and apparently 'can't live without Vitamin B!!!' This year's winner was Katie Stam, who inspired nothing in me except the strong desire to punch a midwestern beauty queen. God Bless America.