Trends are out of control today; I know this, because I keep buying into them.
"I'm not really into the trendy stuff", I'll say. I emphasize the word 'trendy' as though the word itself has gone out of its way to offend me. When I think 'trendy', I think of the fashion world and its' up-to-the-minute seasonal fare; these trends are made for starving giraffes with windshield-sized foreheads--wave to Paris Hilton--and not the human female. I should craft a strongly-worded letter to the designers, imploring them to leave the Mothership and walk amongst actual Earthlings someday, just to get a feel for what we really look like.
Fashion fads are one thing, kitschy trends are another. Remember when bacon used to be one of your favorite breakfast foods? Now you have to show your love through bacon-themed products; eating it for enjoyment isn't the point anymore. You must purchase bacon Band-Aids, bacon action figures, bacon bumperstickers, a bacon wallet, bacon mints, bacon undies, and bacon air fresheners if you want to be seen as a true connoisseur; until you are driving down the street wearing a bacon uniform, driving a custom-made Baconmobile, and waving an oversized bacon flag through the streets of your city, you will not be considered a fan, oh no. I personally own all of these bacon-related things, and yet I don't know why. Probably because I love bacon so much, and I want that love to win. True love should always end in competition, that's my motto.
It's not just bacon, it's EVERYTHING. Pirates, ninjas, cowboys, kitties, monkeys, unicorns, robots, yetis, hula girls, zombies, monsters, nuns, leprechauns, the Krakken, the narwhal, sushi, tofu, parasites, flamingos, retro everything, tattoos, mustaches, cupcakes, mustaches, and Jesus. JESUS. This year was totally His year: Dashboard Jesus, action figures, t-shirts, bandages, decorative tape, lunch boxes, wall hangings, jewelry. That Jesus really knows how to brand himself; He definitely has a future in marketing.
So many of these fun fads are way overdone; I only need to mention the word 'pirate' to convey my full meaning. Suddenly, every jerk I know was shouting 'YARRR!' and wearing striped shirts and bandannas, even my own father. Skull-and-crossbones flags went up in homes, in car windows, in office cubicles; it felt inauthentic, because it so nationally popular. That, to me, is the definition of 'trend': when every white-collared white guy in your office is quoting Blackbeard and singing sea shanties, the trend is OVER. Instead of feeling like part of a rogue pack of thieving scalawags, I felt like I was stuck on the Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disneyland with a bunch of thirtysomething toddlers. It was cool for two seconds, and then kind of
I jumped on certain fadwagons, although I loved them before they were popular, and will continue to love them equally after their popularity wanes: cupcakes, robots, bacon, unicorns, and smoking bunnies galore. The narwhal gets an honorable mention, because my partner loves it so. He claims that the narwhal is majestic, but that kind of language should be reserved for British royalty, purple mountains, and the animated Disney film Fantasia.
I wish I could like something just because I want to. Places like Archie McPhee's, Urban Outfitters, and neighborhood boutiques make it impossible to just like something for the aesthetic, or for the memory it evokes. You can't just love a trend, YOU HAVE TO LOVE THE SHIT OUT OF IT. You have to buy and love and buy and love, on and on, ad infinitum. You must take the thing you love, advertise it throughout your life, and strangle any positive feelings that may remain; then, and only then, will you be truly worthy of enjoying a thing like bacon in the way God intended: through good old-fashioned capitalism.