Jan 31, 2009

My Craig's List Ad















(I'm selling these and another pair on Craig's List right now--but since the other ones are on the teal side of the color spectrum, and somewhat *blingy*, I couldn't bring myself to admit publicly that I'd bought them.)

Entitled: ***Are You An Orc? Or Perhaps Half-Giant?***


Are you related to Hagrid from the Harry Potter series? Were your ancestors jolly, green, or giant in any way?


Are you a big girl with no fear of heights, or an even bigger drag queen with fabulous taste in shoes? DO YOU HAVE ENORMOUS FEET?


If you answered 'Yes!' to any of these questions, then I have the shoes for you!

I bought these 3-inch heels (size 13--I'm a 12, but they're small) in a feeble attempt at warding off my thirties, but here I am at thirty-two: that plan failed miserably. They're adorable and super fun--but only to look at. The punchline is: I paid over $300 for these two pairs of Linea Paolo heels, but I never actually wore them. Well, I wore the black ruffly ones to The Mercury on Capitol Hill, but you know how their gothy patrons dress; no way could those shoes compete with the Glittery Emo Parade in such dark and smoky quarters. I learned something valuable that night, something I will never, ever forget: fat people and peeptoe shoes have parallel purposes in life. Much like in Ghostbusters, you should never cross the streams.

Make me an offer I won't refuse. They're very cute, but I'm never going to wear them; I've made my peace with kitten heels and Frisbie-sized flats. Buy my shoes and take them out dancing! Your feet, and my kicks, deserve it.


16 comments:

Princess Consuela Bananahammock said...

This is by far THE best ad I've ever read. EVER. :)

Buttercup said...

Cute shoes! I myself am neither Orc nor half giant. I wear an 7 1/2 -8 depending on the shoe. Perfectly average.

Buttercup said...

I would like to add my feet are just about the only thing on my body that look cute in just about anything I put on.

I have the body of an Orc and the feet of a princess.

Snotty McSnotterson said...

Thanks, Princess :)

Snotty McSnotterson said...

Buttercup, you do not have the... hold on, I'm thinking about it.

Nope, you do not have the body of an ORC--I DO. But you have the feet (and mind) of a princess. Lucky.

Tobias! said...

Holy shit, girl, this is hilarious. You should flag it for Best Of Craigslist!

Snotty McSnotterson said...

I forgot about Best Of... but I generally don't enjoy those, so I'm not too motivated in that direction. Some people can write, but for the most part, it's pure shit.

Anonymous said...

This reminds me of your Ylep reviews--you should do more of them!

-Geoff

Anonymous said...

Oops, sorry: Yelp.

(If you're anything like me, spelling counts!)

-Geoff

Snotty McSnotterson said...

I appreciate it more than you know, Geoff. :)

Argentum Vulgaris said...

Snotty, I was going to comment on the newer post, but there is no comment button...

:-(

AV
http://netherregionoftheearthii.blogspot.com/
http://tomusarcanum.blogspot.com/

Snotty McSnotterson said...

That's on purpose - but thanks for commenting anyways! :)

SweetPeaSurry said...

I know ya turned off ya comments for your next post, but I just have to say.

FREAKING REFRESHING!!!

Snotty McSnotterson said...

SweetPea, thanks. Liked your blog, too, about to go comment :)

Jeanne said...

Just came over by way of -- actually, I don't even remember where I came from -- but you seem to be having a very bad blog day. Me, too, kind of. Hang in there, and remember that even negative comments mean people are reading your work.

matt said...

whatever. the people who hate ME (there are many) don't bother to leave comments on my blog, they just ignore me.
at least someone pays attentions to you...