SNOW and Other Four-Letter Words

Mel Gibson is saying, "FUCK FUCK FUCKITY FUCK, YOU JEWS RUINED THE WORLD. MERRY CHRISTMAS, SUGARTITS!"

I'm officially naming this awful weather 'Snowpocalypto', because nothing is worse than a badly-directed Mel Gibson film featuring the Yucatec Mayan language, unless it's a badly-directed Mel Gibson film featuring the passion of his mangled BFF, Jesus Christ. I've been mulling over the movies that I hate and Mel Gibson's vehicles never fail to take me down a yawnfest rabbit hole. Kevin Costner, if you remember, used to be the king of long-winded historical dramas that ultimately went nowhere; Dances with Wolves was a good movie ("Tatanka!"), but it also lasted four days. When I finally saw daylight again, I was determined to never fall for the phrase 'epic journey' ever again; I would not be fooled by Kevin Costner and his terrible attempt at acting. Sure, I liked Field of Dreams, but in the same way I liked Cocoon: they were semi-interesting movies about old people that my parents made me watch.

Then, one fateful day in 1997, I rolled a joint, inhaled a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos, and turned on a classy cable channel, like Starz or Encore; through my reddened, heavy-lidded eyes I saw Kevin Costner in a Postal Service uniform. But my compromised brain cells failed to recognize that it was 1) Kevin Costner, and that 2) he was wearing a Postal Service uniform, so I ended up losing another four hours of my life, thanks to his movie, The Postman. Surely I would have recognized history repeating itself, had I been sober: Kevin, a bad script, an 'epic film', an awful outfit. This was the winning formula for Dances with Wolves, Waterworld (I gave this film two urine-drinking thumbs DOWN), JFK, Wyatt Earp, For Love of the Game, and The Bodyguard. Don't get me wrong, I like some of his movies; Bull Durham is a personal favorite, and his first big role was in The Untouchables, which most people can agree is a truly righteous film. But this Epic Film Formula only works for so long--like once. Why Mel Gibson decided to keep Costner's action-packed, snore-filled legacy alive is beyond me.

Mel Gibson did two projects I enjoyed: Mad Max and Lethal Weapon. Everything else felt like a long, painful history lesson, or a long, painful crucifixion; either way, Mel Gibson is not my cup of Jew-hating tea. Why can't people just make movies? Why do they have to make EPIC movies? Epic movies are as formulaic as crappy romantic comedies; the rules are as follows:

1. The movie must be made by an over-hyped actor-slash-producer-slash-director. Slash-douchebag-slash-bigot-slash-religious nutjob.

2. You must pay American money to sit through a five-hour history lesson that may or may not be factually accurate. I'm talking to you, Jesus.

3. You must not, at any moment during the film, laugh out loud--that alludes to fun being had, and no one in the history of Mel Gibson has ever had any fun, except Danny Glover in Lethal Weapon. And I think we can all agree, his was an exasperated, eye-rolling, 'I'm going to kill this white boy' kind of fun.

4. Crying is required, although not necessarily enforced in all theaters.

5. You must wonder, directly after exiting the theater, what all the hype was about.

6. The film must be nominated for all kinds of prestigious awards, but only win in safe, non-actor categories like 'cinematography'.

7. The actor-slash-director must be embroiled in some type of controversy; if the controversy happens before the release date, that movie is a shoo-in for a Golden Globe, but blackballed from The Oscars.

8. The film must cost the same amount as it did to make The Lord of the Rings--roughly enough money to buy your own planet and fund a space tourism business--but it can't be nearly as interesting or successful.

9. At some point, you must defend the movie from your point of view, ie; why you paid to see it in the first place. 'I really love Mel Gibson films' is not a good enough reason; I expect that kind of answer from an adorable special-needs child or a self-hating Jew. Normally I say something non-committal about the movie, like 'well, it wasn't the worst movie I've ever seen.' With glowing praise like that, how can these films lose money?

10. The film should have no outside marketing or retail value at all--it should be so unapproachable, McDonald's won't even want to pillage your movie for Happy Meal toys. Although they might have been missing out with Apocalypto. Imagine a brown, jungle-ravaged Mesoamerican tribesman who is running to escape human sacrifice and also to save his village; now imagine him in talking doll form. Every time you pull his string, he speaks Yucatec Mayan and is attacked by a jaguar; SWEET. That right there is fun for the whole family.

This post started out as a rant about the hateful white candy falling from the sky, but I guess I hate Mel Gibson more. Anyone who has a church built directly onto their property deserves at least one snarky blog post from me. Count on it.