Dec 13, 2008
THE CHURCH OF GOD ZILLAH
Finally, Eastern Washington and 'the church' have become useful again, or maybe for the first time ever. I mentioned this holiest of places a while back, citing it as the only church an atheist Snotty would consider getting married in. It's a few hours away, in Zillah, Washington, which is--geographically speaking--straight-up McCain Country. Its' main attractions are the Teapot Dome Service Station, and the creepy metal monster who lives in front of this church. The Zillahgers have managed to make Godzilla look dull and menacing, wrapping him in cheerful Christmas lights, and putting a sign in one hand ("JESUS SAVES!") and a fiery red cross in the other. Is he a warrior for Jesus, or an unwilling mascot hostage?
While proximity and undesirability are two major drawbacks, imagine inviting 500 screaming Japanese people to your wedding.
(There was a different photo here, taken by my friend Adrian, but it disappeared into the ether.)
BHY KRACKE PARK
My favorite, Grandma's favorite, everybody's favorite: CRACK! Surprise your wedding guests with an intimate ceremony, a beautiful view, and the chance to start a serious addiction. Never underestimate the power of the exact wrong name for the exact right project.
This unfortunately-named park is on Queen Anne Hill in Seattle. The minute I saw the photo with the park's name in it, I knew I'd have to get married here; that, or persuade some hapless boob to do it for me. I'd worry about my belongings and any wedding favors given out at a venue like this, but other than that, it's quite pretty.
THE BACON MANSION
I imagine this place is like the Wonka Factory, and bacon rains down from the heavens. Choirs of angels serenade you as it all becomes abundantly clear: everything is made from bacon. Trees, bushes, flowers, rocks, furniture, playground equipment, the moon, your pants, your parents, your penis, EVERYTHING! It's like a dream come true.
But, much like in the beloved book (and the movie), everything eventually turns to shit.
Tangent: Did you ever notice how dark the original movie was? All of the children were horrifying assholes except for Charlie, who was, himself, a depressingly cheerful goody two-shoes. Charlie's family is so poor they're eating their own boots, the Candy Man is weirdly pedophilic with his shmoopy-eyed singing, and Willy Wonka is an acid-tripping accessory to the semi-accidental murders of four young children. And those four kiddos got seriously fucked up: Augustus drowned in a chocolate river, Violet turned blue and blew up, Veruca fell down a garbage chute that led to her fiery death, and Mike shrunk to Lilliputian size after being shot with a laser beam; Charlie and Grandpa, on the other hand, drank some harmless fizzy soda, and nearly got beheaded for their troubles. How was this movie okay to watch when I was six?