Dec 31, 2008
I have no one to call. That's not actually true, but how is it I can feel close enough to a stranger to tell them about my period, my past, and my sordid relationships, but I can't call my best friend and say something like, 'So I need to talk to someone.' Or how about, 'Can you come over here before I set myself on fire?' It's the little things.
'I have no one to call' is a cop-out, because there are plenty of people on my contact list, but it's also kind of true: I don't like my contact list options. Granted, it includes almost everyone I know, but surely there must be a Go-To Guy for this kind of stuff, someone I trust implicitly. Oh, right--there was a guy who fit that description, but he is unavailable at the moment (and he's a part of the problem anyways). And I don't want to call up the person I love most in this world and say, Hi honey!--I'd really like to kill myself today. Because it would kill him, too. So I figured it would be easier to say it online: Internet, I'd like to jump off a bridge right now. Don't deny me: I deserve this.
How might I go about dying? It's a hard decision. I don't like pain, so the wrist thing is out; same with actual bridge-jumping, because I've heard how all your bones break but you still have a chance at survival. That doesn't seem like a suicide attempt, just an attempt at a suicide attempt; I'm not knocking those of you who have tried it and succeeded, only those of you who tried it and failed because you landed on a houseboat, or in a concrete parking lot. Pills always seem like a painless way to go, but I hear it makes your insides go berserk; I wouldn't like that. I'd like to peacefully end my life, having a scantily-clad Johnny Depp inject me with clean sweet heroin while I'm resting on a cloud getting a foot massage. If it's not too much to ask.
Of course it's too much to ask, and I'm a big bad drama queen. But today has been a truly horrific day, from the time I woke up until I sat down to cry razorblade tears in front of this computer. I am a fool. I am crazy. I am a crazy fool. My eyes are almost swollen shut and my nose is dripping like our kitchen faucet, and I can't find a bridge to save my life. Get it? To save my life? HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA. HA.
Life is a spinning wheel, I guess--sometimes you're on top, sometimes you're at the bottom, but it's perpetually moving, no matter what. Hopefully I'll get myself back to the top by tonight, or tomorrow, or maybe next year. It'll be an adventure. :)