Dec 28, 2008

The Greatest, Snottiest Gift of All Time

This is a coppery, pirate-faced me.














This is me and Jesus; he's lacking eyeballs.
It's the blind leading those who can already see.





















This is me and Jesus and two slices of bacon.
Jesus was all about the bacon.






















This is me and Jesus and two slices of bacon at The Last Supper.
I think I've replaced Mary, so it's really two slices of bacon,
Jesus, and a Bethlehem whore.


















My thought bubble says, 'Maybe he won't notice the bacon.'

I keep saying it's a painting, but it's not; it's more of an art piece. It's fairly large, and heavy due to the entire thing being made out of copper and something that feels like suede. We decided to put it in the kitchen, so it can be covered in the actual smell of bacon; I didn't really like the idea, but it seemed... appropriate. I was completely speechless when I opened it, and didn't quite believe I'd won our Christmas Lottery. The fact that someone added me--and my partner in cholesterol-raising crime, bacon--to The Last Supper makes this the greatest gift that has ever been made for me. The fact that my dad made this for me just makes him the best dad in the whole wide world. It's a wonderful feeling when you realize a parent really gets you, and seeks to understand what you're about; I feel very lucky, because both of my parents do. I am lucky in love, bacon, and Jesus. It was a very good Christmas.


36 comments:

Michelle Auer said...

That IS the best gift ever! Your dad is SO COOL!

Snotty McSnotterson said...

Yes, he is!

Anonymous said...

LOL!

Snotty McSnotterson said...

Oh, an anonymous LOL. How quaint and pointless!

Tobias! said...

LOL!

Snotty McSnotterson said...

That's the spirit, Tobias.

Snotty McSnotterson said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

So this is where you learned how to be a heathen: from your father. Defacing a piece of religious artwork just to amuse your own children might be "cool" to him, but to me that's someone failing to teach his chilcren right from wrong. Because it's just plaing wrong.

Snotty McSnotterson said...

Well, Anonymous, it's like I always say: better to be a heathen than a redundant jackass who can't spell.

You keep Jesus; I'll keep the English language. Good luck!

Snotty McSnotterson said...

PS: Anyone else wanting to insult my father in MY fucking blog better keep their comments anonymous. I *will* post them, and then eviscerate you.

Stacy said...

You tell em, Snotty! I think this gift ROCKS.

Snotty McSnotterson said...

Thanks, Stace--and I think this is the first time I've seen your name on a comment (as a header). Too much anonymous comment-bashing? :)

Stacy said...

I'm smart, if that's what you're asking. ;)

Snotty McSnotterson said...

I like a girl with initiative.

Furtive Flatulence said...

I would like for these Anonymi to explain how this is wrong, sacrilegious, blasphemous, hedonistic etc. I'm confused.

Is it the bacon?

So jesus was a jew. He didn't eat bacon, which means he passed it onto you. What a swell guy.

Snotty McSnotterson said...

FF, I agree. If anything, I'm closer to Jesus than any of you bitches. I'M PRACTICALLY SITTING IN HIS LAP.

Bacon has nothing to do with Jews, and everything to do with tribes. Read Stephen Pinker's 'The Language Instinct'. Very good book.

Manthony said...

Mad props to your dad!

Hilarious that people are upset about how he has "defaced" something he probably found at a thrift store. Wasn't the fact that such a tacky mass-produced version of the Last Supper was even made worse? Or that someone donated it to a thrift store? It isn't like your dad flew to Milan and messed with the original...

Snotty McSnotterson said...

Manthony, I think we should start a rumor that my dad pried this out of the Pope's bony fingers... just imagine the outcries.

Also, who's to say this isn't the original? I totally could have been the right hand of Jesus, and you just didn't know it. :)

madhouse 6 said...

that is the shit. love. i want your dad!

Snotty McSnotterson said...

You so do. I thought you would deeply appreciate it, as I did.

barbjensen said...

This is just too great!
I think I'm in love with your dad.
:)

Tomnonymous said...

steve rules, fuck the haters

ps: isn't there something in the bible about being a fisher of men?

how about not judging unless you want to be judged?

FreNeTic said...

Coolest. Gift. Ever.

Is no one going to address the invisible elephant in the room? I mean, is there some text there...perhaps even a word balloon, that you've skirted addressing?

Please don't make me sit through some Dan Brown tripe to find out what it may or may not say...give it up!

Marko said...

Mmm, bacon!

matt said...

Chilcren is awsumn anh so iz yur dqad.
anh su is BAGUN.
Yumgy.

matt said...

And, on a more serious note, "Anonymous," if you think that the fresco "The Last Supper" by Leonardo (not to mention a cheap thrift shop replica!) is a "piece of religious artwork," you seriously need a primer on art history. Not only was Leonardo (btw, only idiots call him "Da Vinci"--that means "from Vinci," his name is Leonardo, and is referred to as "Leonardo of Vinci"; Dan Brown must die) most likely gay, but he frequently disobeyed Catholic law and doctrine in his scientific, artistic and pseudo-medical endevours, and blatantly used religious imagery as an excuse to make pictures that would, unsanctioned by his benefactors, most likely have been considered heretical. He was a self-serving know-it-all who thumbed his nose at God and at the Church that purported to serve him.
"The Last Supper" is as much a piece of religious art as is "Piss Christ" by Andres Serrano, or the infamous elephant-dung Mary by Chris Ofili.

And Poppa McSnotterson did make one mistake: it would have been more accurate if it was pancetta.

Snotty McSnotterson said...

Barb, I thought you would appreciate this as an artist :)

Ben: it says 'I hope he doesn't notice the bacon.' (I wrote this down already, I think you just missed it!)

TOM: I am so glad you commented. Especially since you know the man in question :) Thanks for coming by!

Snotty McSnotterson said...

Marko, nice seeing you--haven't hung out nearly enough. 2009 is our year. ;)

Snotty McSnotterson said...

Matt: thank you for the history lesson. Also for the pancetta. Dan Brown must die.

matt said...

*sigh*
It just kills me when whack-jobs try to subvert fact in order to prop up their hate-filled promulgations.

Sorry, I'll try to be less professorial. (It's hard).

Snotty McSnotterson said...

Did you... did you just use the word 'promulgations' in a comment? THE NERVE. At least I know you have balls, or at the very least, a big ass dictionary.

Manthony said...

I think Matt wins.

matt said...

WOO-HOO!

Snotty McSnotterson said...

But what does he win, I wonder?

matt said...

"Victory" is its own reward.

Unless bacon is provided.

)) ))
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Snotty McSnotterson said...

I freaking love that emoticon!