Dec 15, 2008

Christmas Spirit Fingers















Nothing gets me in the holiday spirit like an annual urinary tract infection; it's like the gift that keeps on giving. I also appreciate the cheerful Christmas computer virus--which jumped onto our ship while I was at another blog--that sent Sina into a spasmodic fit of unladylike rage. Now that both of these things have been partially sorted out--thanks to the heroic anti-viral efforts of the Esq and forty jugs of cranberry juice--my computer is slower than usual and my urinary tract has a crippling addiction to cranberries (not to be confused with The Cranberries). Merry fucking Christmas.

This weekend, in the thick of it, I recalled a favorite book from childhood that described my exact predicament: Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day. I was having one of those--and remembered that even the book said 'hey, some days are like that'--so I wiped a thousand angry tears away, and tried to get some perspective. Great friends and family, check; awesome boyfriend, check; most limbs working satisfactorily, check; bacon in the fridge, check. What more could a girl want besides a body like Jessica Alba and a large disposable income?

That emotional truce bubble burst when the vacuum died three times yesterday: first it died metaphorically, in the sense that it was *on* but couldn't suck anything up; then it died again in my kitchen, when I punched a hole through its' chest and ripped out its' bleeding heart; and finally, it died for the last time when I threw it down the stairs outside, in the direction of our garbage cans. So if it wasn't dead the first two times, that fucker's dead now. It can 'rest in peace', my ass--I hope an ax murderer happens by with his death-weapon and begins Round Four on that shiny, ineffective beast. I can't convey to you how pissed off I am about this stupid vacuum, but it starts and ends with SWEEPING IS GREAT FOR CINDERELLA, BUT NOT SO MUCH FOR ME.

I was going to do a post on last week's holiday parties, but I'm holding off until Wednesday; I want to include the Chow Foods holiday party, too, which is tomorrow. I'm doing a little research today for possible outfits--our 'group' needs a theme (overall theme is 'A Nightmare Before Christmas') but we're not very gothic or dark. I have an idea, but it's one of those ideas where I can already tell I'm going to regret it--I'd have to do all the work, and then probably wouldn't have a costume of my own. So I'll suspend judgment until I see the movie today.

It's also the Esq's dad's birthday today, so his birthday post will be coming later. For now, I am off to the store to get ingredients for his birthday "cake", which isn't a cake at all. I'm so happy it's a baking day!

BTW: the Esq actually commented on a post for the first time ever. Ever! About macaroni, of course.


10 comments:

LilRed said...

Try having food poisoning while parenting an 11 month old, ALONE, then flying across the country, ALONE, with said baby. Oh, and packing up your entire house to move in 20 degree snowy weather, leaving your wallet on the plane, and then having your car's check engine light come on. Then taking care of your sick husband...

How about the now-good, very bad WEEK.

Snotty McSnotterson said...

Ewwwww. Sounds delightful. By the end of January, you should be feeling better.

At least next week is Christmas, right? RIGHT? *dies*

Anonymous said...

You punched a hole in your vacum and ripped out its' bleeding heart? You are hilarious, and this is why.

-Stacy

(sorry I keep doing "anonymous" comments , I'm just lazy, I'm sure you understnad) ;)

Snotty McSnotterson said...

Laziness and I go WAY BACK, girl. We're like Fight Club, only you don't have to fight on your first night if you don't want to. Mostly because everyone's too lazy to fight. We just sit around and eat chips.

Manthony said...

Sounds festive!

Snotty McSnotterson said...

YOU'RE festive! :)

Argentum Vulgaris said...

Life as it should be... less one vacuum cleaner.

Have a nice Christmas

AV
http://netherregionoftheearthii.blogspot.com/
http://tomusarcanum.blogspot.com/

Snotty McSnotterson said...

You have a good Christmas, too!

Tobias! said...

Seriously? This is hilar.

Snotty McSnotterson said...

Seriously? YOU'RE hilar.