You Don't Design Intelligence; You're Born With It

Some people think of me as an extreme or outspoken liberal because I'm pro-choice, love me some gays, and enjoy a standing tree or two; I've heard as much, and have received a lot of mail from conservatives opposing my 'crazy liberal agenda.' But I say there's a way to be fiscally responsible, keep Big Government at bay, protect your home, have an abortion, love a gay, and hug a fucking tree, all at the same time--which I consider politically moderate, if not a complete political FANTASY. If you want to call me an extreme moderate, fine; but do not call me an extreme liberal, because the opposite of any extreme is the OTHER extreme. And I don't want George W. Bush or the Mormon church being a mirror for me, no matter how easy it is to make fun of them. Which it is... oh my GOD, how it is.

Speaking of God, I've been having dreams about the Ol' Pahdnah lately--and before my religious readers have a holy-rolling orgasm and praise Jesus for bringing them a Christmas miracle, NO--I was not converted and made into a Godbot. I just had a fantastic dream that made me chuckle when I woke up. In all three dreams, God was very human in His Heavenly perch, looking down upon His sheep; He was a little on the macabre side, with a wicked sense of humor, and had a flair for drama and theatrics. Much like The Sims, Earth was set up as a kind of real-life video game for God to mess around with on His days off; unfortunately, He developed an addiction to it, much like He did with Halo 3 and Spore. To be fair, though, the parallels between Spore and creating Earth made it highly redundant for God after a while. 'Been there, done that,' thought God; I'm just going to stick with this Earth RPG for now (made conveniently easier for Him thanks to Google Earth).

Enter religion. God decides it would be fun to have different religions worshiping Him in completely different forms; He doesn't bank on the extremists taking over and making new branches of religious power, twisting His words until they're no longer recognizable, and using those words against other religions (I'd like to thank ALL religions for this predictable human folly). He sees how destructive religion has made His favorite game, and comes up with a plan to make it interesting: at the rate these humans are going, He decides that everyone religious will probably end up dead or intellectually compromised, so He puts more and more religious folks on the planet; He deliberately throws people into the fire, basically. He's amused, but also a little bit mean--it's the 'Old Testament' side of Him, coming home to roost. He continues to load our planet with confused religious folks, wondering when the planet is going to give. He figures He gave everyone a brain to use and a heart to follow--how can there be so much pain and suffering and war and dissent, when He's made so many cool things available to us, like love and sex and bacon and the Internet? Ho! Ho! Ho! (God laughs like Santa, apparently.)

I can't believe I had a dream where God was so fed up with His own followers, He positioned them like kamikaze Earth soldiers to perish on purpose. He used them like little armies--like kids do with their G.I. Joe's--and watched them CRUSH each other, laughing like a total maniac the entire time. I can't tell if it was to teach people a lesson about self-reliance, or if it was for his own sick pleasure, but I have to be honest: if God was really a self-centered man-jerk who hated religion, I'd be way more into Him. Of course, I just described an old boyfriend of mine, so maybe not.

I hope that if God starts picking off religions--or fake religious ideals--he starts with the people behind Intelligent Design, which is neither intelligent, nor well-designed. In fact, it's the largest flaming load of fraudulent flapdoodle poppycock I have ever actually read; of course Kansas voted to have it taught in their school system. OF COURSE YOU DID, YOU KNUCKLE-DRAGGING HILLBILLIES.

No judgment, though. None at all.