I've Lost My Marbles

No one tells you that you're going to get old. I mean, they don't sit you down and map out the realities of what will happen if you live past age 30; if they had, I would have opted out around age 24, when my boobs started heading South for the winter. I could also live without the gray hair and my ability to gain weight even when I'm not eating--which would be when, exactly?

Christ, I am in such a bad mood this week; the Esq can attest to my extreme bitchiness and epic crying jags and trying to burn down the house and ruin his entire life. He's like a semi-willing hostage, saying and doing the right things while wishing he were somewhere else; I wish he were somewhere else, too, because he's not a very good punching bag. I wistfully thought about my ex-husband yesterday, actually--when I'd scream PUT UP YOUR DUKES BITCH, he totally would. That's what I've been craving for the last week or so: a really good fight. Stupid Esq being all "mature" and above that kind of behavior.

In the midst of mental, physical, spiritual, emotional, and economic failures (I am failing with excellence on all five fronts), this is what I do: eat, avoid, whine, cry, push buttons, and listen to Britney Spears--in an effort to feel better about my life--except now she's doing good, damn her and her Zoloft and her 800 million dollars. I'm actually *feeling* okay--historically, this is the start of a 2-4 month depressive state for me--and so yay, I'm not depressed or suicidal or completely insane (the last two years have been really good), but I'm also not doing great. I feel like sitting out for the holidays, and normally I'm very into decorating and baking and doing a tree and *one* eggnog latte--one every year!--but this year I'm not feeling it. I would rather light matches and throw them into a garbage can, or see how far a needle will go into my index finger. I just don't have the money or energy for Christmas right now; hopefully I'll get into the 'spirit' of economic retail crisis like everybody else, but I doubt it.

I basically live on Craig's List and Monster.com now, getting rejected every day--meaning I live in my kitchen, on my computer, NOT getting jobs; in between that I'm blogging on three major sites if I have time, researching, corresponding, Tweeting, cleaning and organizing our trash pit of an apartment, trying to figure out our stupid laundry situation (our laundry room seriously sucks, and is always in use), remembering to get outside, making lunches for the Esq, and on and on... I have a hard time remembering all the stuff I have to do. I mean, yesterday I forgot to eat. Do you know how much I love food? And yet I totally blanked. Thankfully, I had met up with my friend Michelle for a croissant in the morning, but after that it was about 8pm before I remembered to eat again; I was like, why am I dizzy? Answer: because I'm a hungry, hungry hippo. I'm just a wandering, scatterbrained weirdo around here.

I'm glad it's nice out; I see the sun peeking through my little window. I need to go outside and have an attitude adjustment, but it's too cold out and life is hard and whisky shots are free. I guess I'll go anyways. Watch out, nature, here I come! Hopefully my mood will improve before my next post; if not, you're in for one desperately emo adventure.