Oct 21, 2008

The Job of Getting a Job












Above: Some people consider this 'potential'.

It's too quiet here. In my office, in my home. It's really insular in my apartment; all I can hear is the sound of my computer humming, which just barely covers the sound of my potential dying. I've never been this silent--or this bored--in my entire life. Yesterday I didn't speak for hours, and I felt like Helen Keller. How did she do it? It's boring because I'm my own company, and as far as that goes, I suck.

I'm sick of looking for jobs I don't want. I'm sick of applying for jobs that I don't want. I'm tired of crafting cover letters for jobs I don't even want to be offered. It's not that I don't want to work, but I'm afflicted with what Manthony calls "being American": I want the perfect job. Not like a DREAM JOB--[internet fame, book deal, Oprah]--but something perfect that pays the bills while I go after said dream (of which there are many, many more).

Let me just describe the perfect job for me, in this very moment: Pays good. Not a TON, but good enough. Health insurance: this is a dealbreaker. No benefits, no thanks. Weekends: I hate working weekends--everyone does. But I've worked weekends for the past ten years, so I think I've earned at least ONE weekend day off. Sundays, then. And, to quote my brother's new girlfriend, "I'm not down with bitchass-ness", so the people I work with should be cool; 'merely cordial' is also fine by me. I'd like to walk to work, or at least have a short commute, since I don't drive/have a car, so all jobs on the Eastside are dead to me. And I'd like to have three days off a week. I would also like a $50,000 pay increase after two months of work and a boob job, but I don't see those things happening, either.

I know, I know, I should focus on being realistic: I don't need a boob job. Maybe I should have said 'boob lift'. You know, like how they emergency-airlift the barely-living to Harborview Medical Center; this is how I imagine the procedure going.

Anyways, the Esq went back to work today and I am doing my darndest to emulate him. But first: Top Ramen, the Breakfast of Champions.

[RADWORDS]: BOOB JOB, DREAM JOB, OPRAH, HELEN KELLER, DYING.



10 comments:

Joanna said...

I got a boob lift, and I highly recommend them :) Yay!

Snotty McSnotterson said...

PICTURES, PLEASE. :)

Nah, I'll just feel you up at the Halloween party. Yay!

Manthony said...

Perhaps you can find some inspiration at www.jesus2020.com who has an ad on your site? There was a cupcake one yesterday, but it sadly went away.

Dorkys R. said...

Ugh, cover letters are the worst.

As well as boob jobs. I can't even stand the thought of willingly going under the knife. Makes me all squirmy.

Snotty McSnotterson said...

Manthony, I long for the day when I have an ad for Jesus Cupcakes, I really really do.

Pray harder.

Snotty McSnotterson said...

Dorkys, I would be squirmy, too! And then I would be all, where's my morphine drip, bitch?

I'm not above surgery, I just don't consider cosmetic surgery necessary in this economy. Or any economy.

Manthony said...

You could MAKE Jesus cupcakes!!! Sounds like a party to me!?!?!

Franco said...

bob jobs don't look good on me, but I HAve to say I kind of like them.

Snotty McSnotterson said...

Bob jobs=LOL

Franco, some boob jobs are ok. But most of them are too boob-jobby, if you take my point. Because some of them can block out the sun for an entire room of people, and that's just annoying.

Joanna said...

Snotty, you can feel me up any time, any place ;)