Oct 1, 2008

You Know Who You Are

Dear People I Personally Know Who Are Not Going to Vote This Year For Incredibly Stupid Reasons,

There are a lot of you--too many. I can count on four hands (yes, I have four hands!) the people I know who are resistant to voting. You're all between the ages of 21-35, and while I'm unsurprised at your political passivity (given your general passivity in life et al), I'm still bewildered--BEWILDERED AND ENRAGED--at how small your thinking is; 'one vote doesn't matter' isn't going to cut it this year. If you don't vote, you're the one who doesn't matter, and your opinion doesn't mean SHIT to me. Please stop complaining about the current administration and the state of our economy--please stop talking about how this war cannot go on--please stop whining about the last election (I WAS THERE); I know it's your right as a citizen to vote or not vote, but I don't want to hear your negative opinion if you aren't interested in actively doing something about it.

I've heard at least four of you say, in an airy-fairy voice, "But...it's all so confusing! I just...I don't know what to think, and...and it's all just so hard!" I'm sorry, are you an adult or NOT? You get to vote for A) McCain or B) Obama. HOW MUCH SIMPLER CAN IT GET? Do you need someone to show you how to READ, or do you just need practice checking one simple fucking BOX? It bothers me that these are people who say shit like this every single election; I'd rather hear them say, "I never vote, because I just don't fucking care." Because that is the absolute truth--don't hide behind your supposed stupidity; we wouldn't be friends if you were really that dumb.

I've heard another four of you claim that your vote doesn't matter. If McPalin wins, I'm telling Santa what you did, and you will not get any Christmas gifts this year. Instead, your Christmas gift will be McCain increasing our war image by 1400% and asking all concerned citizens to stand up and fight for their country, AGAINST EVERY OTHER COUNTRY ON EARTH AND MAYBE EVEN THE ENTIRE SOLAR SYSTEM; when that fails--because gee, people don't really LIKE going to war, namely people like you and me--then the mandatory draft will be put into place. Count on it. The guy is a warmonger, I don't care that he was a war hero; anyone who has fought in battle or been captured is a hero to me. But I consider finding peaceful solutions more heroic, honestly. If we were judging people by that barometer, McCain would be as popular as...well, his runningmate, Sarah 'Interviews Like an Olympic Champion' Palin. I'll bet, if he's elected, that passing a mandatory draft bill will be high on his list, right after overturning Roe v. Wade. And my second bet is that once it's passed, you four are going to be drafted into military indentured servitude from 2-4 years, especially if you have any skills worth a damn--like, can you use a computer? Do you speak English? Might you possess an index finger? Yeah, WELCOME TO IRAQ.

The rest of you make good or interesting points: ballot boxes have been tampered with, the state of our economy is going to be in flux no matter who is elected, Washington state will most likely vote Obama whether you vote or not... but not all of you are in Washington. Some of you are on the East coast, and I know at least TWO of you are liberals living in red states (for which I am deeply sorry); what will it take to get you to vote? Anything? Or is the apathy just too strong after years of governmental failure? I understand where you guys are coming from, and have only this to say: WELCOME TO IRAQ.

And to the one yahoo that I love/do not understand in the slightest: you kind of make me sick now. Actually, saying "kind of" and "you make me" aren't very personal statements--my therapist would say, "Start with 'I' and don't say 'kind of'--it comes from a more powerful place." So I want to change my statement to: YOU FUCKING SUCK. You won't vote because you don't want the government to know about you? Do you know how DESPERATELY RETARDED that sounds? You think they should know LESS about you? How about putting all of your money in a shoebox under your bed? How about canceling those credit cards? How about selling everything that is in your name, like your car and your computer? How about giving up that cell phone or the internet or playing video games online? HOW ABOUT NOT FILING YOUR TAXES?!?! The government has better things to do with their time than log into your file and write down who you voted for; but if they really wanted to know something, they could track you through any of these examples listed here. Moron.

I also don't appreciate how you didn't forward your address from the last place you lived, just so you could avoid doing jury duty. I'm not big on Civic Duty, but I also believe that for a co-op to succeed, people need to participate--and I think it's really self-centered and cowardly that you went on and on about how you have a job and jury duty doesn't PAY very well. SAME THING WITH THE REST OF US, YOU FUCKING ASSHAT. I've done jury duty TWICE, probably to make up for how many times you HAVEN'T, and at the time I was making around ten bucks an hour--so take your 40k a year job and shove it up your ass. I've accepted the paranoid, downward spiral you insist on being on, but I never knew how slimy you were. I guess anything is possible in an election year.

I know I'm repeating myself (yesterday's Twitter update: I am the preacher and you are the choir), but it's so important to me. I don't understand how I know actual people who don't give a shit, but since this letter is to you, I'll sign it as a friend. And when we're shipped off to Iraq together, I'm going to sucker punch you in the face.




matt said...

Harumph. Apparently neither of us have anything better to do today than get upset in front of our computers... why aren't we hanging out?

This post reminds me of the 2000 election, when all these punk brats kept mistaking principles (Nader) with integrity (Bush-prevention).
There were plenty of us who could see how disastrous a Bush presidency would be 'cause we remembered the first one (smart, if evil) and doubled the potential for bad things from Number Two (just fucking dumb).

You are so right-on about the apathy. You don't have to really go out door-to-door, you don't have to spend hours on politico-sites or blogs *cough-cough*.
All you have to do is think:
Have the last eight years been good? No?
Vote Obama.
Am I a douchbag-warmonger-trustfund-largebagwielding-SarahPalinmasturbator? Yes?
Vote McCain.

Rock the vote, Snotty. Punch a few of knuckleheads for me.

Snotty McSnotterson said...

I'm turning into my mother. There are way worse things to be.

We should totally be hanging out!

MichelleB said...

Yes, yes, and double yes!!! Thank you for exercising your voice today:)...and I will totally back you up on the sucker-punching action...don't give me too many glasses of wine tonight or I might just have to "predict a riot" :)

Snotty McSnotterson said...


Woohoo, we're celebrating our smoke-freeness tonight!

Manthony said...

You are turning into Jay-Z! When do you start your "Vote or Die" campaign?

Snotty McSnotterson said...


Erin said...

I'm with you, girl. If you don't exercise your right to vote, you don't have the right to complain. As for your paranoid friend: like the rest of us he / she probably has a Social Security Number, if anyone was going to be paranoid about government control and monitoring, it should have been right around the time they issued those nine little numbers.