Photo: Go away.
We have flies in our kitchen; they live in the kitchen sink. I used to go after them aggressively, fantasizing about the things I would do to them when I finally managed to catch one: torture, I suppose, and a good dose of heavy sarcasm. I imagined them begging for their puny little fly lives and me, the victor, laughing maniacally as I ripped their limbs off. After I realized I was outnumbered, I only experienced anger when one got in my way, like flying in front of my computer, or around my orange juice glass (I don't know when I was taught that: tiny flies + juice=CERTAIN DEATH, but that's how I feel about the matter). Now they're like household pets--I think of them as lovable scampers, just a part of the family! When I do the dishes, they buzz around me happily, even though I've just destroyed their resting, nesting, and molesting grounds; I shoo them away in that 'mock-shooing' gesture that's best suited to shiny grandmas and grandpas in 80's television commercials. I'm hoping they catch on to the English language and learn how to sing in five-part harmony soon; what fun we'll have, singing aloud to each other and dreamily doing the dishes.
Fuck these little flies, man; I assume they are of the fruit variety, but now I don't know because they've taken to squatting in other parts of our home that clearly have no food matter in them. Somebody please tell me how to get rid of these assholes? My kitchen is CLEAN. I'm assuming it has something to do with the sink drain, but I don't know what to do about that. Soap? Drain-O? Vampire blood?