Oct 1, 2008

Killing In the Name of Jeff Goldblum

Photo: Go away.

We have flies in our kitchen; they live in the kitchen sink. I used to go after them aggressively, fantasizing about the things I would do to them when I finally managed to catch one: torture, I suppose, and a good dose of heavy sarcasm. I imagined them begging for their puny little fly lives and me, the victor, laughing maniacally as I ripped their limbs off. After I realized I was outnumbered, I only experienced anger when one got in my way, like flying in front of my computer, or around my orange juice glass (I don't know when I was taught that: tiny flies + juice=CERTAIN DEATH, but that's how I feel about the matter). Now they're like household pets--I think of them as lovable scampers, just a part of the family! When I do the dishes, they buzz around me happily, even though I've just destroyed their resting, nesting, and molesting grounds; I shoo them away in that 'mock-shooing' gesture that's best suited to shiny grandmas and grandpas in 80's television commercials. I'm hoping they catch on to the English language and learn how to sing in five-part harmony soon; what fun we'll have, singing aloud to each other and dreamily doing the dishes.

Fuck these little flies, man; I assume they are of the fruit variety, but now I don't know because they've taken to squatting in other parts of our home that clearly have no food matter in them. Somebody please tell me how to get rid of these assholes? My kitchen is CLEAN. I'm assuming it has something to do with the sink drain, but I don't know what to do about that. Soap? Drain-O? Vampire blood?


Mathias N Oz said...

Do you have houseplants? If so, most likely you are fighting an infestation of soil fungus gnats. They make insecticidal soil drenches to kill them or you can just add a quarter inch layer of sand to the top of the pots.

Snotty McSnotterson said...

I have one plant. So I will try it. But WOW, are you an insectocideyologist? Um. Or maybe just a plant lover... :)

noorie said...

Ok. On a full moon night, take three slices of bacon, two mushrooms, a set of car keys, a pig and a bible.

Eat the bacon, toss the mushrooms over your RIGHT shoulder at a 45 degree angle, pet the pig and make it laugh, read the bible and leave the car keys.

The do a fairy twirly dance kind of thing and sing a song of your choice.

VoilĂ !

Or just Google how to get rid of flies ;)!

konichiwa, bitches. said...

if they are indeed fruit flies it will have little to do with whether your kitchen is clean, but what sort of fruits you have on your counters and what sort of peels you have in your garbage. My Bio (pronounced bee-oh)-obsessed boyfriend insists that we use an air-tight container to hold our banana, orange and other rinds, peels and egg shells after they're used, so we can put them in the anal-but-typically-German receptacle specifically designated for organic (biologisch) garbage. You purchase fruit flies in the form of fresh fruit, where they lay their eggs. The larvae don't usually hatch until quite a while after you've had the fruit at home, but just as they will crawl out of a three-day-old banana peel, they will crawl out of a three-day-in-your-home-non-eaten banana.

Eat your fruit and other fruity type stuff quickly or store it in the fridge. To limit the flies' free movement around your home you can store peels, rinds, and other Bee-oh garbage in a tupperware container until you're ready to take it to the garbage or compost bin.

I find that using a wet cloth works to trap them when they're on a wall or flat surface, but the water and pressure will not kill them, so you have to wash their temporarily-incapacitated little bodies down the drain.

LilRed said...

All I can hear in my head is your voice and Auticia's saying "It's because I'm a FLY, isn't it!?"

Snotty McSnotterson said...

That's the only thing I've been thinking about since I posted it :)

Mathias N Oz said...

I'm a plant freak... so you learn a lot about bugs along the way. My house plants go outside in the summer... I bring the plants back in for the winter and they always show up almost instantly.