YOU Do the Math

Above: Pokemon finally gets interesting.

While tutoring at the finest space travel supply company this week, I encountered a willful child; I encountered four thousand of them, actually, or at least that's what it felt like. The tutoring center has been jumping lately--standing room only--and I think they'll have to hire some muscle soon. A space bouncer to keep the unwanted riff-raff out; hopefully they'll let me back in. But being overwhelmed by selfless acts of goodwill is why people volunteer; we want to impress ourselves and others by how potentially GOOD we can be. That's why I volunteer; well, that and meeting hot guys. Because when I think 'soup kitchen', I immediately think of Johnny Depp. This also happens when I use words that are made up of letters, and also when I'm breathing.

I've talked extensively about Cameron before: he was the kid who compared me to a beautiful, scheming Orc Wizard and I was all RECOGNIZE, BIATCH. I felt like Cameron was the only first kid I really helped, and so I will always remember him fondly; I say 'remember him' because he doesn't come in on Tuesdays anymore. I'm pretty sure he bounced when I disappointed the crap out of him. In response to his hilarious AND TOTALLY LEGITIMATE question, "What is math even good for, even?" I gave him a canned answer that Sarah Palin would have been proud of:

"Math is good for EVERYTHING! See, it's like this: math is... gosh, it's--it's just! And WOW! And--grocery shopping is necessary, you'll need money, but that isn't exactly math--also for saving!--it's good, and it's a career. Americans, and everyone needs it, and I have definitely used it. I have used it just like all of us have used it. Math is also good for mathematicians! They couldn't have jobs without it! Also for counting money--that's important there--and architects use it to build houses, YOUR house was probably built with math--anyways, the economy, it's good for, and economics. Uh, it's amazing how many things math is good for!"

To which he should have responded: "Not to belabor the point, but just one specific example?"

For counting money. I said, OUT LOUD, 'counting money.' That's what Snotty thinks math is good for, and she doesn't even have any money to count. I wanted to apologize to his mother when she came to pick him up and be like, 'So when Cameron turns to a life of crime, BLAME ME.' He looked at me like I knew absolutely nothing, which is exactly how much I happen to know; I should have just told him the truth. If I had to do it all over again, I would, but this time my answer would be: "Asian people."

Speaking of which, there is an adorable little Asian girl I've tutored a few times, and I love her because she loves math--she even admits to it. She said to me last week, "There is only one thing I love more than math--wait, TWO things. Do you want to guess what they are?" I smiled at her, thinking, 'Does anyone want to play this game, EVER? DO YOUR HOMEWORK, TINY INFERIOR PERSON.' But what I said was: "SURE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hmmm, let me seeeeeee... POKEMON and WHITE RICE. Am I warm?" Now before you're all SNOTTY IS A RACIST, let me explain: Snotty is a racist. But also: a very good guesser. She squealed like a little person squeals--"e!"--and said, "Oh my God, oh my Goddy-God! I was totally, like, going to say ANIME CHARACTERS and TERIYAKI, oh WOW. You are so smart! You are pretty! I like you!" This is how she talks: like you're the next best thing to Jesus. And because Pokemon is an anime character and teriyaki goes with rice, I'm like some kind of magical mind-reading genius from a shiny, far-off land where people are crowned as royalty based on the lukewarm strengths of their guesswork. Fine by me--I always wanted to use that as an employment application answer, anyway:

What was the reason behind leaving your last job? I was crowned Queen of my own country, and took a year off to travel the world. With Anthony Bourdain. And Bono, the King of Ireland.

This is the same little girl who said to me, "Are you a high school student?" And when I looked at her sternly--you don't make a comment like that to a woman who secretly resents her age and the aging process--I saw she wasn't pulling my leg. Which is right around the time I decided to adopt her. She's also the kid who sang a cheerful "Thank you, Your Highness!" last week, in response to me finding her scissors. Then she curtsied--CURTSIED--and hopped back to her table like a perfect little bunny. I truly believe--and I'm not just saying this! I really do mean it!--that everyone should address me in this way. I'm just saying: it wouldn't kill you.

[RADWORDS]: ASIAN, ANIME, TERIYAKI, MATH, SARAH PALIN.