Oct 27, 2008

The Science of Sumo Sex

Above: Pre-orgasmic pose.

I think 'searching for jobs' is actually the new 'single and fabulous' a la Sex and the City, minus the fabulous. I never had to work this hard to find a man; the difference between a job and a man, though, is... well, there has to be something. I'll keep thinking.

If I want to be a housekeeper, a vet tech, a legal assistant or a drycleaning monkey, I need to be prepared for The Meaningless Trifecta: extensive background/credit/urine checks. I will also need to jump through those same hoops if I want to work as a customer service rep in a call center, at Group Health in their billing department, or at the motherfucking ZOO. Because when I visit the zoo, it's easier to enjoy the animals knowing the employees have taken care of their credit card debt. Of course, this is designed to keep the riff-raff out, or single out the people who might extort money from you, but the problem is this: THAT PERSON IS ME. When it comes to this shit, I will monumentally FAIL. First off, there's all the heroin in my system from last weekend's Trainspotting-themed party, which lasted three months and ended with dead babies crawling across my ceiling. I blame peer pressure. Second, if my crappy credit had a personality it would be a manic depressive, and sound like Sam Kinison weeping into a bullhorn. But who to blame? And third, I don't know what my background check might reveal, but it can't be good; I've been pretty good lately, but I wonder how far back they check. If they go any further than last week, I'm moving to Mexico.

When did it become so hard to get a job? I know I use to get jobs quickly when the spa industry was an option (and leaving them equally fast--LATELY), but I've never had to pee or pull out my stock portfolio in order to prove my skills. That has a lot to do with the industry, though--you couldn't piss test anyone in a spa, because most massage therapists believe in the crazy power of Cannabis, and a lot of hairstylists like re-living the 80's through stupid vintage drugs, like bennies or blow. If the spa/salon industry relied on sobriety, there would only be 12 people actively working in Washington, and even less in New Jersey.

I applied for five jobs today, each more depressing than the last. I tried to imagine what my bottom line would be--like, what WON'T I do? And the first thing that came to mind was porn, but that doesn't really count; there's not a high demand for Samoan porn. The Samoans I know don't believe in porn (weird), because they're too busy believing in a Mormon God (crazy) to ever have sex for FUN (FOOLS). There's also the "I'd rather shave my eyeballs with a cheese grater than see Polynesian porn" aspect of it. I can only imagine what hideousness occurs when Samoans get it on; they're probably like two lazy sumo wrestlers in muumuus, swatting each other and sweating profusely. AND THESE ARE MY PEOPLE. *thumbs up*

So the real bottom lines are:

Party clown: Not happening. I'd rather be a REAL party clown, i.e.; fabulous drag queen.
Sarah Palin's next baby: I just wouldn't want to be named Oil-Rig Moosemeat Palin, or whatever name is flowing down the Alaskan Pipeline to Nowhere.
Collection agent: The only job where I could make money calling myself, all. day. long.


matt said...

If I say "the difference between a job and a man is that a job never pays as much to fuck you over" does that make me a gender-traitor, misogynist, or psychopath?

I mean, it'd be nice if the correct answer was "d.) none of the above, just a run-of-the-mill sociopath."

But I worry about me.

I worry about you too. You're gonna have to deal the plethora of morons (and Mormons) who only get halfway through your blog before going, "BUT!!! WHATCHA?!?!?! FAT!!!!!"
The Samoans are going to cross-culturally adopt fatwas just for you m'dear...

LilRed said...

All right, come visit me. I'll pay for the pleasure of your company. I have wi-fi and the cutest baby on the planet...

Snotty McSnotterson said...

Wi-fi! Babies! The minute I book my ticket, I'll get a job offer. :) But yes, I must see you soon.

Snotty McSnotterson said...

Matt, you're freaking out again.

The Samoans don't even know I belong to their tribe. Mormons... well, that's a whole different story.

Manthony said...

Not that I think you should work in the industry, but I do think you should do some research and see if credit checks are now required to flip burgers. Somehow that seems a little more directly connected to people than WORKING AT THE ZOO.

(Matt: I think it makes you a feminist.)

Snotty McSnotterson said...

Matt IS kind of a feminist. Oh man, I really don't want to flip burgers. "Slinging coffee" is the closest I will get to that--unless Dick's is hiring, and then I'll go work there just so I can say, "I love working for Dick's." Actually, I might go check that out. And I LOL because I'm not kidding. DICK'S!

barbjensen said...

This isn't the least bit relevant, but do you know about BACONNAISE?
You will love this:

matt said...

Snotty: Yep sorry. I meant to say "Samormons" there.

Manthony: Yes, you're probably right, there.

Snotteh: *chortles* DICKS!

Snotty McSnotterson said...

Barb! I was just talking to someone today about Baconnaise! I haven't had it, but I intend to. Same thing with Bacon Salt. Mmmmmbacon.

barbjensen said...

Oh, but it gets even better; they have events!
From the makers of Baconnaise.:

“We figured we’d launch this product in a fun way while raising money for a great cause. So we give you - MAYONNAISE WRESTLING. This is an event you won’t want to miss. We’ll have free BLT’s, $3 tequila and Mitch Morgan’s (the drink that inspired Bacon Salt - Maker’s Mark whiskey with a bacon garnish), and a no-holds barred wrestling match between a giant slice of bacon and a giant jar of mayonnaise. Undercards will include our intern Matt (who recently crashed my car and needs to pay) dressed as Bacon Boy vs. the Seattle Mudhens womens’ rugby team, the Seattle Semi-Pro Wrestling League’s all-star wrestlers, and The Bacon Girls - all wrestling in a ring filled with 200 gallons of mayonnaise.

A limited number of people can bring their regular, boring jar of mayonnaise and exchange it for a jar of Baconnaise, available in Regular or Lite.

If you’re in Seattle, come on by Heaven’s Nightclub in Pioneer Square on Thursday, October 30th starting at 7pm. Proceeds will go to the family of Omero Mendez, a friend to J&D’s that supervised our production runs and was tragically shot in Federal Way two months ago.”

Buttercup said...

Why can't we just find our dream jobs that pay us to sit on the couch and mindlessly surf the internet? Or why can't our sig. others earn substantial three to four figure incomes support us?

Snotty McSnotterson said...

Buttercup, I think the answer is this: God hates us.

I'm talking about the one I don't believe in, of course.

Manthony said...

Baconnaise wrestling? Free BLTs? And I am already busy volunteering for an event that night from 6pm to 1am? *mind explodes*

But I did just try bacon salt this past weekend and it was pretty tasty. I'm not a fan of squash, but it made it much more palatable.

Snotty McSnotterson said...

Squash and Bacon Salt? Did I just have a stroke?

Manthony said...

It wasn't my idea. It was served to me and I politely ate some of it. The rest of it I used to build a castle on my plate.