Oct 27, 2008

I'm Looking Into Calf Implants




















Above: Now I understand the need for a Brazilian wax, if that's how all Brazilian girls sit.

My Yelp review of our neighborhood Brazilian restaurant is on this page, third review down.

The response I got to this review:

Subject: Contribution of Unhealthy Stereotypes

Hello Marika, I am sorry that you have such a negative opinion of young girls from Brasil. I should say that you must travel around the world a little more because, in the US we have the most unhealthy and FAT culture in the whole world. I have just returned from a trip to Asia and as soon as I got back in US, I was shocked by the large number of FAT people here in US. The FAT people in US, should take more responsability for their own weight and not shift the responsability to the society. Being thin is not a crim or unhealthy but, au contraire.

My response:

Cameron,

I highly doubt you're sorry I have such a negative opinion of young girls from Brazil, especially since I state in my review that I know NOTHING about Brazil, as evidenced by the list of things I DO know. And the one thing I do know about Brazilian women is that they're monumentally beautiful, which the whole world agrees upon. I never said they contribute to the unhealthy stereotypes that young AMERICAN girls can't live up to, just girls EVERYWHERE. What 12-year old girl--skinny or not, American or not--can live up to being a gorgeous Brazilian who has awesome genes and more cosmetic surgery at her disposal than any other girl on Earth? What country makes cosmetic surgery cheap and affordable, so that their women will always remain beautiful? What new procedure is the latest rage down in Brazil? THE CALF IMPLANT--as if they were born without them. So no, this is not about being fat. This is about women who are blessed in the looks department, the girls who look up to them, and my view of both; none of this matters, though, because my review was clearly sardonic. But I see, with great clarity, that you didn't get that part.

I wonder if you read the entire thing, or if you've read any of my other ones: all of my reviews are tongue-in-cheek. I never said being thin was a crime--in fact, I think it would be quite lovely. I've also traveled to many places in the world--an assumption on your part that was incorrect--and there are fat people everywhere. It's an epidemic here, for sure--but the self-righteous American traveling abroad, gaining deeper insights into American culture (insights that I've already seen on Oprah and the Discovery Channel: "OMG we're FAT! America's fat people need to be accountable!"), and coming back home to judge everyone around them is so fucking tired already. Go back to Asia, where the women are small and therefore less offensive to you.

If you think that I'm contributing to unhealthy stereotypes--like the stereotype that Brazilian women are beyond gorgeous and that young girls want to be like them--then so be it; it's not like I'm LYING. It's just an opinion. But I doubt I'm making much of an impact on our society; people aren't flocking to read my sarcastic Yelp reviews for insight into fat American culture, female stereotypes, and who's to blame. So maybe YOU should travel the world more for a broader understanding of the America I live in: people don't care about me or my opinion. Just like I don't care about yours.

Bonne chance.

The last and final word: Well, I cared about that douchebag's opinion enough to send a response, but now I'm all SWEET, I'M CONTRIBUTING TO THE UNHEALTHY STEREOTYPES OF WOMEN! Took me long enough. I couldn't just keep contributing to the unhealthy stereotypes of Jews and Asians; I had to get around to you ladies at some point.

[RADWORDS]: YELP, FAT AMERICANS, RETARDED AMERICANS, TRAVELING AMERICANS, IDIOTS.


11 comments:

matt said...

The funny thing about idiots is that they're just fucking stupid.
The funny thing about Marika is all the funny shit that comes out of her mouth.*

*(and for mouth, please also read: pen or typewriter or computer keyboard or PDA text pad or whatever else).

matt said...

Also, WTF with the all-caps "fat" distinction? Hating the roundness much, Cameron?
Also try to find a dictionary, or that button that says "spell-check."
Also, "Au contraire"?? Haughty much?
Also, maybe you should find a grammar primer.
Also, saying "grammar primer" is funny.

Snotty McSnotterson said...

Matt, you can head up my fan club for FREE. That's how much I heart you.

I KNOW, with the 'FAT' stuff. WEIRD. Normally I don't negotiate with terrorists, but this one was fun. Especially since there was no negotiating.

Also weird: Cameron's Yelp profile is brand new and there is nothing on there. Am I being totally self-centered and paranoid that he/she (could be either) set up a Yelp account just to send me this message? I hope not. That would be creepy. Also, stupid, since my email/blog URL is right on my Yelp profile. LEARN TO READ, ASSHOLE.

Snotty McSnotterson said...

Also, saying 'grammar primer' IS funny.

matt said...

Just so's I know, do you say "primer" like "primmer" or like "prymer"?

I just need to know just who it is I'm dealing with here.

Snotty McSnotterson said...

Honest-to-God truth? I say it like 'grammar' and 'primer' rhyme.

Grammer prammer. Because I'm a dork.

FreNeTic said...

This person probably had cosmetic surgery to have their skin thinner.

konichiwa, bitches. said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

i've been looking at the internet too long today and have already seen several indignant comments by furreners about how stupid and fat Americans are, how fatty fat-fat FAAAAAAAAAAT, like so so so so so so super duper omipukeness faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat! FAT! FAT! FAT! FAT! we are. Barring the fact that fat people really are everywhere (and it's usually the English who want to talk, while their country's fat people are increasing daily) the funny thing is: who cares?

Seriously. The world is not starving because of obesity. The world is starving because of capitalism. Go quit your job and start a farm if you care so goddamn much.

Snotty McSnotterson said...

LOL@THIN SKIN, Griz

FAT AMERICAN LOLZ@Konichiwa

I guess I should say from now on, "I'm proud to be a -fat- American."

Manthony said...

Cameron response sounds like the polar opposite of Sarah Palin. (Which is every bit as terrifying as Sarah Palin.) I mean seriously! Smug much?

Oh, and I love the fact that he doesn't even have any reviews on Yelp! So yes, I think he did create an account just so he could self-righteously protect all those thin foreigners.

Snotty McSnotterson said...

YES. 'Smug' is the exact word I was looking for. Also, 'dipshit motherfucking asshole' was another one.