Yelp Me

Photo: I need Yelp Anonymous.











I'm supposed to be preparing for my vacation; I leave from Seattle to Gig Harbor on Wednesday evening, and then leave for Oregon with my mom the next morning. My friend asked me, "Does it really count as a vacation if your mother is going?" To which I replied, "It's a silent vegetarian retreat at a hot springs where everyone goes skinny-dipping; my mother is the least of my worries." She looked sorry for me, which made me want to beat her about the face with my silent vegetarianism; unfortunately, I'm neither silent nor vegetarian, so I suspect this vacation will be good for the blog. Or, as your dad might put it, good for building character. With no internet or phone connection on-site, it had better be. I'll be writing IN A NOTEBOOK. With an actual PEN. Like, MANUALLY. I'm guessing my handwriting will look like I'm shaky from bacon withdrawal, but it's really the lack of heroin I'm concerned about. Actually, I'm concerned about them equally.

I'm looking forward to a stack of books, the hot springs, someone else making all of my meals, hanging with my mom, and writing in a notebook like a goddamn hippie. I thought about taking the laptop, but it's an old one; it only inspires me to go out and buy a newer, lighter one. If I know myself, I'll probably write in Snotty abbreviations that will be hell on Earth to translate later on, but so be it. I also look forward to wandering around aimlessly--personally and not just professionally--and having one of those moments where you pick up a pinecone and discover the meaning of life, or whatever. What, it happens. Usually you have to be stoned out of your mind, but it happens: you find meaning in something unexpected. You're like DUDE I HAVE THE MUNCHIES and then suddenly you're holding a milk carton in one hand and a fork in the other, screaming I KNOW WHY THE CAGED BIRD SINGS! (Or something equally embarrassing, like GOD APPEARED TO ME ON A PIECE OF TOAST, LET ME SHOW YOU, OH I ATE IT.) If God had the ability to show himself through any means necessary, do you really think a piece of toast would be the most effective viewing medium? Why not a television, one with great reception? That way everyone would believe, no question. But toast... toast is divine only with eggs and bacon, and not with the power of Christ, amen.

On a different note, I am now addicted to Yelp. I don't know if there are 12-step programs out there for Yelp, but I cannot stop writing reviews (well, three so far and three in the works). I like that I can say pretty much whatever I want, within reason. And since I go out a lot--for food, drink, shows, shopping--it's a nice place for me to sum up my experiences. Some people would say YOU SHOULD BLOG ABOUT IT but those people don't understand my addiction to social networking sites (hello Myspace, Facebook, Livejournal, Friendster, Reddit, Xanga, Vox, Okcupid, etc etc). My actual social life just can't compare to the one I'm virtually having online. My Yelp reviews can be seen here, too, so no worries; just look to your right and there they are, for all the world to see.

I will be absent from the blog from Thursday to Sunday, but never fear! You'll have four whole days of Guest Blogging from my one and only, so if you ever wanted to shoot the shit with Smarty McSmarterson, this is your chance. I have no idea what the Esq will be writing about, only that he'll post once a day and it will be grammatically perfect. I daresay he'll use a semi-colon or two... enthralling! And don't go easy on him in the Comments, guys, this one can take a beating and give it right back, making you wish you had never been born. It's one of his most endearing traits.