God Answers Your Questions (Edited)

Photo: Here we go.













Today we're going to reach into the ol' mailbag and answer some fan mail... I thought you guys might appreciate such an offering. All names have been changed to protect the somewhat-innocent. And yes, these are real letters--I've been getting a lot lately (that's not said in a Snotty tone, that's said in an unbelievable one--WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?!). So without further ado, bring on the adoring fans!

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(Sent to me through Gmail)

Dear Snotty,

I am a writer, mother and Christian. I read your blog because I think it is funny beyond words and has a fresh perspective. I am conflicted, however, due to what I think are your anti-Christian views. Not all Christians will try to convert you, not all Christians are hypocrites. Most of the Christians I know are fun-loving people who have problems just like everyone else. We are just people. We're even people who love Obama and your blog! So before I write you off forever (just kidding), can you shed more light on your views, especially now that you have a spiritual perspective (from your retreat, which I thought sounded lovely). I am a big fan but hope, deep down, that your anti-Christian rants are just another product of your imaginative writing. Has there ever been a religion that spoke to you? I'm just wondering, and I know it's a personal question.

Sincerely,

Kris Kristofferson

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Dear Kris Kristofferson,

1. You knew it was a personal question, and yet you asked it anyways. You're right, Christians aren't hypocritical.
2. "Funny beyond words"? But... those are words.... did you say you were a writer?
3. Out of the 134 words you wrote, the word 'Christian' appeared SIX TIMES.
4. Non-Christians don't describe other non-Christians as 'fun-loving', like, ever. I'd never noticed until now.
5. I'm not anti-Christian, I'm anti-dogma. The Christians are just easier to pick on because there are more of you, and they get enraged when I'm all JESUS WAS A ZOMBIE and then they send me sweet fanmail imploring me to declare myself spiritually so that they can feel better about reading a blog where the word FUCK appears 189 times a day.

I think you hope, deep down, that I'm a Christian, or at the very least, a supporter of Christian people or Christian values. Hey, people can do whatever they want. But for me to be a Christian supporter or be excited about Christian values? That's called 'wishful thinking' in my world; it's the kind of thinking that 2,000 wishes couldn't make true, not for love or money or bacon. I'm not a Christian. But I can have goodwill towards men and all that, even though that's more of a Christmas thing.

Thank you for your mail, though. But this blog isn't about my spiritual views or your Christian insecurities, although HOW I WISH IT WERE. However, when I find a religion that isn't attached to some fucked-up bullshit story passed down through the ages to keep people fearful and compliant--when I find a religion that isn't based around my open heart and equally open wallet--WHEN I FIND A RELIGION THAT ISN'T RUN LIKE A BUSINESS BY MEN, FOR MEN, AND IN DEFERENCE TO MEN--then I will join up and rejoice in the Lord, who I'm hoping is the perfect balance between the sacred male and sacred feminine: you know, a transsexual.

It would be pretty boss if I turned out to be God, though, and I just never knew it. I'd be smiting the shit out of people. Yes, even you. I'm just giving you a hard time, really, but please know that I appreciate your letter, and just for shits and giggles, Buddhism is the only religion that ever spoke to me--the best part about Buddhism being: no one has ever tried to convert me into it. Well, that and the whole Nirvana thing.

Anyways, I implore you to check out www.joyfulchristianwife.blogspot.com for spiritual declarations and teachings; come back here for the fart jokes.

And truly, thank you for your letter; I'm sorry I can't be more... Christianly. Vote Obama!

-Snotty

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(Sent to me on Myspace):

Snotty,

I can't tell if you are naughty or nice, and I would really like to know. Also, I love your eyes, well just the one in your blog photo lol

Santa

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Dear Santa,

Living off the fat of my milk and cookies has made you soft, at least when it comes to punctuation. You love my eyes, 'well just the one in my blog photo'? And then you laughed out loud? Are you drunk?

I'm one of those girls who walks and talks dirty, but who is actually pretty nice (read: pushover) in real life. People think I wear the pants in this family. I thought I did, too. But I was so. very. wrong.

You brought me a computer last year--this year I want world peace Miley Cyrus to perish in a horrifying accident. Then I want world peace.

-Snotty

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(Sent to me on Yelp, this is just email excerpts, but it is definitely my favorite):

Ok, so fine. I'm admitting it. I lurk. I'm a lurker. And I lurk you.

Anyway, I became addicted to your writing. Reading your blog is part of my daily doings. So much so, I had some quick explaining to do to my husband the other day when I saw your "Esq" walking up the street (as we were driving by) - I reacted like you do when you see someone famous - and my husband asked "do you know that guy?". Well - no - but yeah, kinda.

So now - you show up on Yelp - where I used to live. I think - is this a sign? -do I come out of lurking and say "Hi Marika, I think you're a really amazing writer and your kid is a gem, and yeah, I feel just like you do on (insert topic)."

I've been reading your blog for quite some time now and am thrilled to see you writing on Yelp. I enjoy your POV on life and look forward to reading more from you!

Sincerely,

Crazy Yelp Lady

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Dear Crazy Yelp Lady,

THAT is how you write a fan letter, the kind that doesn't get a Snotty response. I am glad that we are Yelp friends now, and hope you will be equally entertained by me on Yelp as I push for my goal of being crowned Elite within the next six months. Everyone else should be reading my reviews, too. *stares at everyone else*

Thank you for the nice letter--you will always get published here if you mention my sweetheart or how awesome I am at any given moment. Let this be a lesson to the rest of you. Viva la fanmail!

-Snotty