Behold, the Power of Corn

Photo: The harsher side of corn.










On Yelp, there's a Conversation feature where you can introduce an asinine topic and then a gang of imbeciles will reply; I haven't ever used it, but feel certain that I will. And that certainty feels more like a deep, eye-rolling sigh of resignation, because it will not turn out well; I don't represent well on forums. People always think I'm a giant asshole *ahem*. Until then, I am content to lurk in the shadows, snickering at the topics, comments, and member nicknames as fast as they're churned out: literally every second.

Today I logged in, and the first topic was: I FEEL LIKE A WITCH TODAY. Upon further investigation, the question posed was this:

What do you do to tame the bitch-o-meter?

Chris "Viva la Vegas" says: 'drink, preferably not tequila.' ...um, it's 7:23 in the morning. You're really living up to your nickname. I also love how it's the first comment, and that Chris is a DUDE. Thank you, Chris, for your penile opinion and misguided interest, but I think this question is for girls who have actual vaginas. Or, as my little one used to say: buhginas. You have neither.

Lore "I really need a boyfriend" says: 'sex. anything with carbs...pizza, pasta, mex. food. chocolate ice cream. jogging. morphine.' She comments again, because apparently that list wasn't long enough: 'hot bath with candles bath salts bubbles and a good book. chick flick and buttered popcorn.' The only thing missing from this list are six cats and a vibrator. I think it's fairly evident that Lore needs a boyfriend, and not just because that's her nickname; it just seems a nickname like that is going to put people off... namely the people who might date you. Otherwise, she'd be a great catch; I'm down with girls who are into Mexican food and morphine.

Jasmine "Disco Infiltrator" says: 'Bong hit.' Well, now it's 7:37 in the morning. Seems like the right time for a bong hit--oh look, it's also Miller Time. In Australia.

Kat "Bubble" says: 'Maybe you need a cat massage. I hear he can do wonderful wonderful things for you.' ...WHAT? Am I on mushrooms? I swear that Kat just said 'cat massage'.

Miss Mary Ann "eats tomato soup year round" says: 'nothing.' I tend to eat tomato soup when I'm feeling cold or depressed; imagine how Miss Mary Ann must feel, eating it all year round. Miss Mary Ann has a case of the Mondays.

So you get the gist. Someone introduces a topic--much like on any forum--and then a bunch of yahoos make helpful (bong hit, pizza) or unhelpful (cat massage, tequila) suggestions. Other topics, in the Humor & Offbeat section, include: Do these pants make my butt look big? Dammit, I have the flu. Don Cheadle's amazing coffee shop purchase. *Blank* makes me want to *blank*! And, Dude Where's My Car? (Just kidding.)

Anyways, this whole post has been to prepare you for the ultimate Yelp conversation. I randomly found it after Googling the word 'corn'. I can't remember why we were talking about it, only that we were--Whoreleen, the Esq, and myself--and then we lost it, because... well, it was about corn. We couldn't help ourselves.

'10,000 names of corn' thread--Yelp New York

Norm "brave": any corn fanatics out there? i just got back from vermont. corn is god. i've had so many varieties over the years i've lost count. i've been trying to remember the names. they're like poetry in a way, sort of mini-metaphors. silver queen, silver king, providence, honey select, that's all i can come up with. help me out? **I love how this begins: CORN IS GOD. Also, he's had so many varieties of corn over the years! Like...four. It's like the frat guy who's all 'DUDE I BANGED EVERY GIRL ON CAMPUS--but I only remember Jill, Lauren, Suki, and Dan....' Suuure you did, man. Sure you did.

Steve "the definition of ignorant": We call it "maize". **HOW LOW does your self-esteem have to be, I wonder, in order for your Yelp nickname to be "THE DEFINITION OF IGNORANT"? Quite frankly, if I look up 'ignorant' in the dictionary, I doubt Steve's picture is going to be there.

Jimmy J: I've got some on my feet. **Ha. Hrmf.

Bill K: Not too many one-syllable names for vegetables. I imagine you'd have to get creative to jazz it up. Same deal with squash. **Yes, squash is indeed one-syllable. How might one get creative with squash naming?

Jessica "pundit buzz": I called the ear I had last week "Darren". **Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Jessica, meet Jimmy J. You two are soul mates.

Franco "Gris-Gris": Corn--comes out the same way it went in. **Comes OUT...the same way it went IN.... so I understand what this lovely fellow is trying to convey, but all I really see is: I EAT CORN WITH MY ASSHOLE.

Norm "brave": you're all just a buncha cityslickers. you don't know what you're missing.

Nina C: I don't know the names for the different varieties of corn, but I love sweet corn. I'm always excited when the first corn shipments arrive to the supermarkets in the summer. Then I know that soon the greenmarkets will be stocked with the yellow and white ears of sweet, starchy goodness. I love corn in my salads, salsa, burritos, in my soup, on the cob, any way! I may be a cityslicker, but my heart belongs to corn. **THANK YOU, NINA! Thank you for not answering the question, but giving us an arbitrary glimpse into your giddy relationship with corn, in a description worthy of Oprah and Martha Stewart's undying gratitude.

Liiisa "Winner, Winner--Chicken Dinner!": Had to throw out 6 ears tonight because they went bad during my extended trip to NH/VT. **1) This is really how Lisa spelled her name. 2) This is really her nickname. 3) This was her actual comment on this thread. Now you can sleep better at night, knowing that Liiisa's trip to NH/VT was extended and that, unfortunately, her 6 ears of corn were spoiled because of it. Selfish Liiisa.

Mike "The-Boss": Call it what you like, but Corn is Corn! Now you may have some different varieties of Corn, but when all is done and the sun goes down, Corn is Corn. Now if I was one of those overpaid, politically correct, culturally sensitive, environmentally aware, grief counseled, corny professors, I might disagree, as that would be a part of my job. But in my heart, I would know that Corn is, in fact, Corn! **Being an overpaid, politically correct, culturally sensitive, environmentally aware, grief counseled professor, of corn or otherwise, in THIS economy? I'd be pretty fucking happy. Even though I know in my heart, that Corn is, in fact, something that makes my car go VROOM. If only it did the same for my body.

Allison "Allie G": Mexicorn! **I assume she means a Mexican unicorn. Which everybody knows is el chupacabra.

So what's worse... the conversation, or an entire blog dissecting it? I'd say I'm worse off, but still--the whole thing was a LOLocaust. Anyways, real writing later; I got up at 6AM and couldn't go back to sleep. Now I'm sleepy and craving bacon. I'm going back to bed.