A Convoluted Mind

Photo: Blue Velvet, mmm...












Things I've said out loud or heard this week:

I feel like I'm in a Blue Velvet scene. Pabst! Blue Ribbon!

I'm either gaining weight or gaining insight, never anything in between.

Of course I like this office chair; it's a Donald Trump brand! Moral of the story: don't sit in the $400 chair first.

I have the bladder of a child. It's like a deflated balloon. I don't pee with gusto anymore, I pee in stages, like a senior citizen.

I like jukeboxes. They give you the ability to deejay your night out on the town.

I feel like Vera Donovan today.

Phoebe: I'm kind of a magnet.
Me: For lesbians?
Phoebe: And kittens!

I feel like I just slayed three monsters.

Josh: You should be shot in the head and pushed in a hole!

Phoebe: I've been really sleep mask curious lately.

(I was strapping the Esq's computer monitor into the backseat of the car, when this toothless old black dude walks up.)

Old man: That's one o' them...that's one o' them muffuckin' compOOter monitors.
Me: Sure is.
Old man: Never in my lifetime have I seen someone chauffeurin' it around.
Me: I don't really think of it as "chauffeuring".
Old man: Well I don't know what you think it is.
Me: How about "not-chauffeuring"?

Josh: I don't like the French, or French things.
Me: I like cheese!
Josh: Yeah, AMERICAN cheese. I don't want something that a bunch of Frenchman have ejaculated together into some custard bowl or whatever and then called it 'cheese'.
Me: Oh my God, where are you getting your cheese?!

She told me I was a computer super star and I told her Excel could eat me. And so ended my career as an admin assistant.

I'm just looking for a way to be the best version of me, without doing any work or having any insights or going to any rehabs.

What's the point in being friends with them if they don't laugh at your jokes?

Why does Black Cherry soda sound better than Cherry soda?

Stop making me laugh, I'm still trying to hate you.

Me: Mommy is trying to have some space right now.
Son: Are you at the end of your rope?
Me: You're at the end of my rope, actually.