May 14, 2008

The Poofters in My Life

Photo: The Almighty Esquire.

My honey walks into the kitchen, lifts an arm and a leg, and quickly farts. Why are all men like this? What is WRONG with you people?

Me: That's how Hitler farted.
Esq: That's how The Karate Kid farted.
Me: *LOL*
Esq: You remember The Crane?
Me: Yes, I remember it.
Esq: *does The Crane*
Me: What would Mr. Miyagi do?
Esq: (slowly waves a hand in front of his face) Fart without farting. That is the true way.

To me, farting is like making your hand into a gun, and fake-shooting someone, only to have bullets come screaming out of your bloodied fingertips; it's unnatural. Satisfying, maybe--but annoying, just the same. AND YOU GUYS LOVE IT. My dad used to say, "farting is as natural as eating chocolate cake", which makes sense, because he consumed a lot of chocolate cake (probably to balance out all of the gas he was passing). I've seen my son receive awards, my boyfriend kill in court, my brother back from 3 months of vacation, my cousin get promotions, my dad during his favorite concert and my son's diabetes-riddled father consume his favorite sugary treat. But none of them have ever looked so content--so pleased with themselves--than when they were sitting in their own airy excrement. Guys are so weird.


Princess LilRed said...

Come on, I can't believe the Greyhound station episode didn't get an honorable mention?
xo Princess Lilred

Snotty McSnotterson said...

Well. I thought, as a LADY and a brand new MOTHER--as a ROLE MODEL to your new daughter, as a ROLE MODEL to women EVERYWHERE--that you would want to put your public, gaseous past BEHIND YOU (no pun intended). Plus, it still freaks me out. Whenever I think about that horrific time, I feel like I never knew you to begin with. *LOL*