Photo: The Almighty Esquire.
My honey walks into the kitchen, lifts an arm and a leg, and quickly farts. Why are all men like this? What is WRONG with you people?
Me: That's how Hitler farted.
Esq: That's how The Karate Kid farted.
Esq: You remember The Crane?
Me: Yes, I remember it.
Esq: *does The Crane*
Me: What would Mr. Miyagi do?
Esq: (slowly waves a hand in front of his face) Fart without farting. That is the true way.
To me, farting is like making your hand into a gun, and fake-shooting someone, only to have bullets come screaming out of your bloodied fingertips; it's unnatural. Satisfying, maybe--but annoying, just the same. AND YOU GUYS LOVE IT. My dad used to say, "farting is as natural as eating chocolate cake", which makes sense, because he consumed a lot of chocolate cake (probably to balance out all of the gas he was passing). I've seen my son receive awards, my boyfriend kill in court, my brother back from 3 months of vacation, my cousin get promotions, my dad during his favorite concert and my son's diabetes-riddled father consume his favorite sugary treat. But none of them have ever looked so content--so pleased with themselves--than when they were sitting in their own airy excrement. Guys are so weird.