Ahoy, Marmaduke the Whore

Photo: Man, I miss these guys.











With a second interview at SEOmoz tomorrow, I've been contemplating my future, and I came to these conclusions:

1. I'm not so much a "decision maker" lately as I am "the opposite of that". Too much time at home has made me idle (not idol-ed), so it's time to get back to work.
2. I like to do everything and nothing, which makes for an interesting philosophy debate and very little take-home pay.
3. Choosing a career should be fun and engaging, like playing Russian Roulette (Roulette is a favorite theme of mine lately!).

*spin*

I'm going to be a sailor. No! I'm going to be a mariner. An adventurous life at sea, with only my shipmates and trusty intuition to guide us. What's that saying, though--something about the captain going down with the ship? I believe it's just an unwritten responsibility (Wiki check: true), one that I would heartily ignore. So maybe I wouldn't like being a mariner, after all. Lame. I was looking forward to wearing a uniform men in uniform.

*spin*

I'm going to be a hooker--wait! I'm going to be a lady of the evening. Sounds classier. Well, 'lady' is stretching it a bit, but I am a night owl; that has to count for something. And I'm friendly! Mostly to your face and not to your private parts, but friendliness is key when building a solid client base; I've been in customer service since Jesus walked on water (and you people believed it). As any mother would on Mother's Day, I spent the evening looking at local prostitution sites with my boyfriend's mom and sister, searching for the worst and then finding it. Says one local girl with a talent for massage: "Want a little more pizazz? Upgrade to my expanded massage. The first half of our session will be sensual touch. The 2nd half of our time will be spent on a sanitized air mattress." Three words: Sign. Me. Up.

*spin*

I'm going to start creating cartoons to submit to the Sunday morning paper--I'm going to be a cartoonist! I'm really only doing this because the Sunday morning newspaper--no matter what newspaper we're talking about--has the WORST cartoons on the planet, if not the entire solar system. Calvin & Hobbes was dope (RIP), and Doonesbury is all right--less funny and more informative--but all of the other ones are complete shit. Mary Worth, Prince Valiant, The Family Circus, MARMADUKE?! The Esq says Non Sequitur is funny sometimes, and I can handle Luann sometimes, or maybe Get Fuzzy; but I give a fat middle finger to Cathy and her years of endless whining about being fat and unlovable. You're fat and unlovable for a reason, accept it and move on. I'd hate to meet the creator of that cartoon--I always imagined she would just be a real-life, magnified version of Cathy: tearing her hair out in dressing rooms, sweating profusely, and squawking on the phone with her mother. I need to put her out of her misery; this is a priority.