Notes from a Smartphone

Photo: Janet Jackson's fist, or, The Fist of Poetic Justice.

I have one of those 'smart phones'--a Palm--and the best function on it is the daily notepad calendar; this is where I record my day, good ideas for the blog, and funny stuff that happened. Sometimes, I write in "Snotty Shorthand", which is basically a system I came up with to be more efficient--so I could save time and typing energies. For example, "Snotty Shorthand" would be abbreviated like SS, or "funny stuff that happened" would read like "f stf hp"; unfortunately, most of it gets lost in translation, since that isn't so much 'shorthand' as it is 'idiotic'. Sometimes, if the night before has been chaotic and filled with interesting or awkward moments (my personal favorite), I'll forget all I've written down and must unearth it the next morning, sifting through confusing notes and strange half-stories. This morning, I woke up, turned on my phone, went to my notes, and marveled at how diligent I am at doing everything half-assed; after translating enough of it, I also realized it was a blog: my notes and what they mean, because someone should be able to understand them, sheesh.

Snotty's Notes, listed by the hour; time and original (translated) notes are bold, while the rest of it is just commentary:

8:00 Genuinely fake. I thought it would be a good blog description for someone; sometimes I feel like genuine fake leather.
9:00 Dear Something letters: Like Dear Well-Intentioned But Totally Incompetent Manager, Dear Snotty in 1985, Dear Diet Coke That is Delighting My Tastebuds and Giving Me Brain Cancer, Dear Outdated Bumpersticker, Dear Clown Feet.
10:00 The AP Stylebook and Briefing On Media Law. I need this book, that's all. It's useful.
11:00 Children on leashes and dogs without leashes annoy me equally.
12:00 The image of indifference. Manthony and I agreed that this phrase describes most people from the Northwest. We subscribe to it, as well.
1:00 Why I hate Sarah Silverman. This could be a whole blog. I find her terminally unfunny, unless she's in an interview, just being herself; then she's almost charming. Otherwise, I could live my entire life without seeing her face or hearing her voice, ever again.
2:00 Need brighter lightbulbs.
3:00 Gang mascot: wolf. Yesterday I tutored Cameron at 826 again; I also made the acquaintance of Poopie McBlowhard, another stuck-up tutor, but that's a story for another time. Cameron informed me that the gang of sirens I'm leading are 'like a gang of female wolves!' Big surprise of the afternoon: our gang mascot is a wolf. Eee! I love it when things are thematic.
4:00 TMNT 3rd movie. Scott from 826 told me about this, and now I have to see it. Apparently they tried to address the ever-important mass-and-physics question of time travel with great ease and aplomb. No, I'm not fucking kidding--I think he actually said that. Sounds interesting enough to me.
5:00 Guys smell. Bryn said, guys should smell like leather and new car to please the ladies; I said men should smell like cupcakes and commitment. That smell is going to work, every time.
6:00 Grow. Hair. I was reminding myself to cancel my haircut appointment tomorrow; I don't really need it.
7:00 Note to self: no more fisting. This was in reference to a convo I had with Anthony. Somehow we ended up talking about sex, which led to things we don't do or understand, and fisting was in there. I do not want to be a brown, fleshy popsicle or an insecure meat puppet. Since I've had a child, I can't understand why any mother would want to try fisting; as I told Anthony, it seems like a reverse birth. Because giving birth was so fucking great the first time, I'd like to re-create that moment over and over and over again, in my actual birth canal; sounds like a blast.

It's my birthday. I'll freak out about that later.