Guess What I'm Doing This Week

In the past America's image has been one of influence and power, but now I'm hearing how wasteful we are, how obese everyone is, and how our lives are ruled by excess. My wasteful, overweight self would loudly disagree if we weren't two stretchpant sizes away from Thanksgiving Day, the most excessively excessive holiday of the year. Case in point: we will be attending six--count 'em, SIX--Thanksgiving feasts this year. Wasteful? Sort of. Excessive? Maybe. But I couldn't be fatter happier. Thanksgiving used to be about family, food, and football--I've never been a big fan of the official National Thanksgiving Proclamation (with its conveniently blurry lines between religion and government), or that "first" Thanksgiving, which I imagine as more of an uncomfortable separate-but-equal foodfest--but now it's all about consumption. A warm hello to my family and a fuck-you to football; what's most important is donning your best eating outfit and making a personal commitment to the turkey--which was, incidentally, the approach I took to my failed marriage. If you don't, no one will take you seriously, especially the fowl you're consuming. I love Thanksgiving Dinner, LOVE. IT. And this year I'll be loving it six times (that's what she said). That's how you win.

Dinner #1: was lovely last week when Bryn, partner of Manthony, outdid himself with a turkey soaked in brine for two whole days. He was doing a dress rehearsal for The Big Day, because serious chefs do that, apparently. His acorn-shaped cornbread muffins are going to be adorable; I have that weird gene that afflicts a lot of women: I'm into "something-shaped things", like lamp-shaped cookie cutters or flaccid penis-shaped cupcakes. What, don't you make those for the holidays?

Dinner #2: commences this evening in our apartment building; this, too, is a dress rehearsal. Hellboy and Indiana are roasting chickens that have been soaking in brine--I guess it's a cook-off. Dueling cocks and whatnot. We are bringing the Stove Top stuffing (a necessity), some asparagus, and dessert if I have time. I'm very excited for Thanksgiving V.2!

Dinner #3: is tomorrow evening with Whoreleen's gang of saucy misfits. Chef Em will most likely be cheffin' it up, but we are bringing sexy back in the form of dessert. I'm a baking mofo!

Dinner #4: is For Real Thanksgiving on Actual Thanksgiving Day. We're heading down to Portland with the Esq's family to hang out with his aunt and uncle; I'm looking forward to seeing their house, because the last time I saw it was in a magazine. A nice one. Also somewhat jumpy and impatient for the food his aunt will be serving up, which they all claim will kill me with joy. If I have to die, may the coroner's report reflect I died happily from 'food joy'. I could handle that.

Dinner #5: takes place up North on Saturday, where our friends are having a Thanksgiving Leftovers party--I'm a sucker for leftovers, too, because there's never a good time to stop eating and start exercising. Also excited to see Erin, who I haven't seen in forevah; talking shit catching up should be fun.

Dinner #6: is kind of cheating, but Thanksgiving-ish brunch will be had with my family on Sunday at the B&O Espresso. My mom is running the half-marathon that day, and her birthday is this week, so celebrations abound! I doubt I'll have turkey there, though--I'm really more fond of their white chocolate cake. And their chocolate pots. And the Valencia. I can't believe I have to wait a whole week until we go there. Life is hard.

EXCESS. Surely part of that definition has to include making Thanksgiving dinner two or three times before the actual event, in the pursuit of turkey perfection. But I'm not complaining! On the contrary. I think everyone should do a dress rehearsal--KILL MORE TURKEYS, that's my motto. Well, me and Sarah Palin--it's really our motto.

[RADWORDS]: TURKEY, STUFFING, WHITE CHOCOLATE, SARAH PALIN, DUELING COCKS.