Nov 6, 2008

Virginity: It's For Losers

Now, back to blog business.

Since Katerino sent in the first suggestion--albeit an unorthodox one--I will start with her request: her 'virginity, hymens, Brazilian wax designs, and the best penis size for the first time'. Before I begin, though, I'm going to need a Costco-sized bottle of Oxycontin and a priest standing by to perform my last rites.
Virginity is tricky. It's like a gift you give to someone you hopefully know, and they in turn suckerpunch that gift over and over until you're finally a woman. As my girlfriend Kim said, "Virginity is uncomfortable and boring." Hear, hear. For some, it sucks being a virgin (say hello, boys); for others, it sucks to give it away (sorry, girls). I have only met one girl in my lifetime who had a great first time, and I'm pretty sure that bitch was lying. My first experience was normal: quick, painful, messy, and confusing. Whilst in the throes of faking an orgasm, I thought, I am going to regret losing my virginity on Star Wars-themed bedsheets; I am never going to live this down.

Hymens: chances are, if you're a virgin, you've got one of these. But personally, I think it's better to break them while horseback riding or a swift kick to the groin--I swear to you that it will probably feel better than the inevitable.

Brazilian waxing is a personal choice that I have optioned out of--if I'm going to walk around with a twelve-year ol
d's hoohah, then I'd prefer to look twelve-years old all over. I understand grooming, trimming, a lightning bolt on his birthday and the occasional bleached A-hole, but 'no grass on the field' means she's going to have balloon animals and a clown at her next birthday party. No thank you.

Best size for first-timers depends on the size of your...uh, birth canal. I know we can push a ten-pound human out of that vast chasm, but men don't appreciate the wonders of science when trying to hack the password to your vagine. 'Hey, guess how many jelly beans I can fit in here? THREE THOUSAND!' just isn't what they want to hear. So for you, Katerino, I would say this: go with the shorter end of the stick for now, at least like the guy (although it's better when you're in love--I sound like my mom, but it's true), and BE SAFE. Believe me when I say, starting out with Andre the Giant isn't going to help matters, hating them makes it even worse, and receiving the Gift of Life (Un-Planned Parenthood) thanks to a three-minute, painful waste of time isn't worth it. BELIEVE ME.


*reaches for the Oxy*



Manthony said...

I'm noticing a shocking lack of comments on this particular post. Perhaps you (or Kate?) have rendered your audience speechless?

Snotty McSnotterson said...

I'm still stoned out of my mind from the Oxy.... what happened? :)

I'm going to blame Kate on this one. But hey, I fulfilled my obligation!

matt said...

Manthony, are you trying to make me break out the balls again??

Ok, here they are. --> UU

Snotty McSnotterson said...

GODDAMN IT, MATT. Put your balls away, for Chrissake.

Marko said...


I lost my virginity a long time ago...maybe i was too young but it was my choice, I am always so shocked when i meet someone who is over like 25 and still a virgin, is that bad?

Snotty McSnotterson said...

Where are you meeting these people??? I'm amazed that anyone can hold out that long. I think I've only known two people in my lifetime who were actively waiting--one got married (and was glad she waited, but 25! they must have played A LOT of board games), and the other one hasn't confirmed my suspicions, but I'm pretty sure that person is waiting, too. Or hasn't been able to find anyone willing, heh.