Virginity: It's For Losers

Now, back to blog business.

Since Katerino sent in the first suggestion--albeit an unorthodox one--I will start with her request: her 'virginity, hymens, Brazilian wax designs, and the best penis size for the first time'. Before I begin, though, I'm going to need a Costco-sized bottle of Oxycontin and a priest standing by to perform my last rites.

Virginity is tricky. It's like a gift you give to someone you hopefully know, and they in turn suckerpunch that gift over and over until you're finally a woman. As my girlfriend Kim said, "Virginity is uncomfortable and boring." Hear, hear. For some, it sucks being a virgin (say hello, boys); for others, it sucks to give it away (sorry, girls). I have only met one girl in my lifetime who had a great first time, and I'm pretty sure that bitch was lying. My first experience was normal: quick, painful, messy, and confusing. Whilst in the throes of faking an orgasm, I thought, I am going to regret losing my virginity on Star Wars-themed bedsheets; I am never going to live this down.

Hymens: chances are, if you're a virgin, you've got one of these. But personally, I think it's better to break them while horseback riding or a swift kick to the groin--I swear to you that it will probably feel better than the inevitable.

Brazilian waxing is a personal choice that I have optioned out of--if I'm going to walk around with a twelve-year old's hoohah, then I'd prefer to look twelve-years old all over. I understand grooming, trimming, a lightning bolt on his birthday and the occasional bleached A-hole, but 'no grass on the field' means she's going to have balloon animals and a clown at her next birthday party. No thank you.

Best size for first-timers depends on the size of your...uh, birth canal. I know we can push a ten-pound human out of that vast chasm, but men don't appreciate the wonders of science when trying to hack the password to your vagine. 'Hey, guess how many jelly beans I can fit in here? THREE THOUSAND!' just isn't what they want to hear. So for you, Katerino, I would say this: go with the shorter end of the stick for now, at least like the guy (although it's better when you're in love--I sound like my mom, but it's true), and BE SAFE. Believe me when I say, starting out with Andre the Giant isn't going to help matters, hating them makes it even worse, and receiving the Gift of Life (Un-Planned Parenthood) thanks to a three-minute, painful waste of time isn't worth it. BELIEVE ME.

FIN

*reaches for the Oxy*

[RADWORDS]: VIRGIN, HYMEN, BRAZILIAN WAX, PENIS, JELLY BEANS.