Nov 23, 2008

Guess What I'm Doing This Week

In the past America's image has been one of influence and power, but now I'm hearing how wasteful we are, how obese everyone is, and how our lives are ruled by excess. My wasteful, overweight self would loudly disagree if we weren't two stretchpant sizes away from Thanksgiving Day, the most excessively excessive holiday of the year. Case in point: we will be attending six--count 'em, SIX--Thanksgiving feasts this year. Wasteful? Sort of. Excessive? Maybe. But I couldn't be fatter happier. Thanksgiving used to be about family, food, and football--I've never been a big fan of the official National Thanksgiving Proclamation (with its conveniently blurry lines between religion and government), or that "first" Thanksgiving, which I imagine as more of an uncomfortable separate-but-equal foodfest--but now it's all about consumption. A warm hello to my family and a fuck-you to football; what's most important is donning your best eating outfit and making a personal commitment to the turkey--which was, incidentally, the approach I took to my failed marriage. If you don't, no one will take you seriously, especially the fowl you're consuming. I love Thanksgiving Dinner, LOVE. IT. And this year I'll be loving it six times (that's what she said). That's how you win.

Dinner #1: was lovely last week when Bryn, partner of Manthony, outdid himself with a turkey soaked in brine for two whole days. He was doing a dress rehearsal for The Big Day, because serious chefs do that, apparently. His acorn-shaped cornbread muffins are going to be adorable; I have that weird gene that afflicts a lot of women: I'm into "something-shaped things", like lamp-shaped cookie cutters or flaccid penis-shaped cupcakes. What, don't you make those for the holidays?

Dinner #2: commences this evening in our apartment building; this, too, is a dress rehearsal. Hellboy and Indiana are roasting chickens that have been soaking in brine--I guess it's a cook-off. Dueling cocks and whatnot. We are bringing the Stove Top stuffing (a necessity), some asparagus, and dessert if I have time. I'm very excited for Thanksgiving V.2!

Dinner #3: is tomorrow evening with Whoreleen's gang of saucy misfits. Chef Em will most likely be cheffin' it up, but we are bringing sexy back in the form of dessert. I'm a baking mofo!

Dinner #4: is For Real Thanksgiving on Actual Thanksgiving Day. We're heading down to Portland with the Esq's family to hang out with his aunt and uncle; I'm looking forward to seeing their house, because the last time I saw it was in a magazine. A nice one. Also somewhat jumpy and impatient for the food his aunt will be serving up, which they all claim will kill me with joy. If I have to die, may the coroner's report reflect I died happily from 'food joy'. I could handle that.

Dinner #5: takes place up North on Saturday, where our friends are having a Thanksgiving Leftovers party--I'm a sucker for leftovers, too, because there's never a good time to stop eating and start exercising. Also excited to see Erin, who I haven't seen in forevah; talking shit catching up should be fun.

Dinner #6: is kind of cheating, but Thanksgiving-ish brunch will be had with my family on Sunday at the B&O Espresso. My mom is running the half-marathon that day, and her birthday is this week, so celebrations abound! I doubt I'll have turkey there, though--I'm really more fond of their white chocolate cake. And their chocolate pots. And the Valencia. I can't believe I have to wait a whole week until we go there. Life is hard.

EXCESS. Surely part of that definition has to include making Thanksgiving dinner two or three times before the actual event, in the pursuit of turkey perfection. But I'm not complaining! On the contrary. I think everyone should do a dress rehearsal--KILL MORE TURKEYS, that's my motto. Well, me and Sarah Palin--it's really our motto.



Manthony said...

He made key-lime martinis last night. They were delicious. And today I believe he is in the kitchen baking loaves of pumpkin and applesauce bread.

Snotty McSnotterson said...

OH YEAH? Well MY boyfriend is playing video games while I clean the house and bake cupcakes. Meaning you win. *glare*

Manthony said...

The only baking that happened was for the pumpkins themselves. Video games won out here too.

Although I'm certainly not baking cupcakes OR cleaning (like I should be).

matt said...

why is it that no one (else) i know has seen that video?

i've been talking aboot it fer two whole days, fer pete's sake, and no-one knows what i'm talking aboot.

so now there's two things i agree with s.p. about:
*killin' the turkeys,
*and yes, lipstick is the difference.

i have nobody to make me stuff (and then have sex with me). so i have to go to the 'rents. so you both win.

Buttercup said...

I am jealous of the Portland T-Day. I always hear what a good cook the Esq's aunt is and I am so jealous. Plus their house sounds and looks SO amazing.

Snotty McSnotterson said...

Manthony, I'm beginning to think that ANYTHING can be pushed aside for the almight gaming... perhaps I'll test out my theory later.

I did clean and I did bake cupcakes--the yummiest in the land.

Snotty McSnotterson said...

Matt, everyone I know has seen that video. They probably think I'm depressingly slow in linking to it, TWO DAYS LATER. Ooooh.

Matt, no one has someone to make food for them and then have sex with them; Thanksgiving Dinner is Act 3 with an encore, not foreplay.

Snotty McSnotterson said...

Buttercup: yesyesyes you are jealous you are jealous mmmmfood. I'll describe it in great detail over a wildly inferior meal sometime.

Raevn's Ravings said...

Mmmmmm... chocolate pots.... We should have a contest some day to see who can eat more of them!

Snotty McSnotterson said...

Raven: YOU'RE ON. Right after that bacon-eating contest I agreed to participate in with my doctor. (no joke)

Snotty McSnotterson said...

Hm, didn't mean to misspell your name there. :)

Erin said...

We cannot wait to see you up here on Saturday! Food coma's for everyone!

Snotty McSnotterson said...

We are so excited for Turkey Day and then Leftover Turkey Day with you guys! Bring on the food comas.