Mar 27, 2008

A Leg Up on Legolas

Photo: No, I wouldn't kick Rainn Wilson out of bed, although my boyfriend would.

I was talking about Orlando Bloom with a client today, and she was commenting on his uber-hotness. I prefer Orlando Bloom as he was in Pirates of the Caribbean: young, brunette, and constantly wet. Sounds like a porno I once starred in heard about. He's a little too--pretty--for me (never date a man prettier than you, especially if you are me and lacking in the esteem department--you'll just end up with a lot of whiskey shots and heartbreak), although I did enjoy His Royal Faerie-ness as Legolas in Lord of the Rings. Men who can wield a bow and arrow, while sporting the most flat-ironed, Hollywood faerie hair, are numero uno in my little black book.

My client could not stop talking about him. She even used the most boring phrase in history to describe her affections for him:

"I wouldn't kick him out of bed!" *canned laughter*

Why this phrase is totally over:

1. It is the direct equivalent to "all that and a bag of chips"; hot, anorexic moms from Madison Park use this outdated lingo, along with "that's fabulous!" and "oh no, you di'int!" Apparently they didn't get the memo: it's 2008 and we don't live in Puyallup.

2. It is factually incorrect. "I wouldn't kick HIM out of bed!" implies that Orlando Bloom was a contender for your bedroom shenanigans, and that just simply isn't true. The way she said it (and the grrrl-you-so-craaazy! reaction she got from her girlfriends) made it seem like Orlando Bloom was already in her bed, waiting for her to get home, and she was just making the obvious choice to keep him there.

3. It's dumb.


Anonymous said...

A recent study from the University of TN (my alma mater) says this:

The research, published in the "Journal of Family Psychology," found that, among 82 newlywed couples, wedded bliss belonged to those in which the bride, not the groom, was good-looking.

Therefore, anyone who were to marry/ bed Orlando Bloom would probably be condemned to a life of mysery.

Also, my aunt's new "needs to die" phrase is "what's up with that?". Man, what _is_ up with that?

Snotty McSnotterson said...

I also hate when people say, "d'ya know wot I mean?" in a British accent, like Ginger Spice, circa 1998.

Bree said...

when the regal j gives rainn the boot, instruct him to boot him in, at least the direction of, my bed...well, shit. i'd do him on your floor. kick him to wherever and i'll catch up. okay thanks. i love large nerdy men. and queers...OH MY GOD! FIND ME A LARGE NERDY QUEER! can it be our weekly meeting YET? i miss you a bit already.