Mar 26, 2008

The Gourmet Writer Within

Photo: I'm a toddler.

Three Random Thoughts:

I woke up this morning and thought, why do I feel so German? I felt like a lumpy house frau. I even thought like a house frau today--I couldn't stop thinking about proper mopping techniques. Now I'm wandering around without pants, like a toddler. Fuzzy socks, check; undies, t-shirt...check-check. And yet I'm still cold. Quite the mystery. Once I find some big-girl pull-up pants, I'll be ready to go out into the world and make a difference.

It also occurred to me that to maintain a sunny disposition in a state like Washington, one must have sunny weather to act as a catalyst. What's the point in having a positive attitude if the weather never reflects it? That's why I've decided to adopt a morose disposition; the carpet should always match the curtains (and the hand towels in the bathroom). The color themes that best describe my life this week are nice, when modeled on 80-year old librarians and accounting interns from Nebraska. I need more color in my life, and it will begin with the hair and the handbags. Then, in this order: shoes, lip color, jewelery, undergarments, bedding, clothing, wall color, and boyfriend. I don't know where I'm going to find a colored boyfriend, though. It's not like we live in Chicago.

Last but not least: Whenever we go to Whole Foods (aka: Snotty's Official Happy Place), I order this kickass sandwich called The Alki; it's made of grilled chicken-and-brie on focaccia, and it's amazing. Like any upscale natural foods grocer, Whole Foods has other delectable "stations", too, that sell made-to-order food you could have made at home for half the cost. I usually buy from those sweet-smelling, visually stunning stations, as I am the exact consumer those heavenly high-end food stalls are targeting. What I find embarrassing is when the other grocery stores--namely the QFC we go to in Ravenna--try their hands at being gourmet and upscale, too. I was perusing the case of pre-made "fancy" food and realized that from far away, this food looks normal and almost appetizing; but up close, it's downright frightening. The strangely named "Cranberry Walnut Celebration" was sitting right next to the "Gourmet Tuna Pecan Wrap", but I could tell they weren't really friends. If adding the words 'celebration' or 'gourmet' enhances a recipe or gets you ahead in the world, then I am a gourmet writer and a celebratory lay. Hire me immediately.

Besides, I always preferred the word 'surprise' in my recipes; it's like setting people up on a blind date with your food.


Bree said...

it's fucking cold out. whatever. also, since we are kind of on the sunject, if i hear one more ignorant ass tool say "huh huh what happened to global warming HUUUHHH?!" i am likely to punch them directly in the wiener.

Anonymous said...

Oh my. Just because you are pairing tuna with pecans in an unusual way does not immediately make something "gourmet." And I have personally never found the combination of cranberries and walnuts to be worth celebrating. I really wish the Whole Foods on Denny wasn't so inconsistent. Or maybe it is a good thing, because it means I stay the hell out of there which saves a few (hundred) bucks (a week).