Mar 31, 2008

Flower Pot Theatre

Our new downstairs neighbor t
ook the initiative we were all lacking and planted flowers in the building's window boxes. They're sitting on the shared balcony we all infrequently smoke on (one of us is always in 'quit' mode when the other two aren't), and they're actually quite pretty. Cory and I figured since we failed in our gardening duties, the least we could do was name them and figure out their histories.

And now, Flower Pot Theatre!

Somehow, all of these amazing ladies arrived at the same society gala, gathering at the same three tables. With so many different personalities, who knows what will happen?

[cue cheesy soap opera music]

Table One:

-Mrs. Basil Belvedere of Cotswolds, England, is a large, salmon-pink flower with a stern, matriarchal stance. Mrs. Belvedere, 'Bettina' to her friends, is terribly old-fashioned and sounds like Julia Child. She secretly loves her dog, Mr. Pigglesworth, more than her daughter, Beatrice, who continues to insist that she is a lesbian. Mrs. Belvedere is a lady and considers her greatest achievement as having met the Queen of England.

-Mrs. Heathrow Hoot of New Haven, Connecticut, is a dark flower with white markings and a kind, owlish face. Mary Helen Hoot is very small, and always speaks with a smile. She is new to society and feels homesick quite often, but her husband is a kind man whom she feels lucky to have married. She still hasn't told him that she's unable to have children yet, but she's praying about it every single night, and hopes that God sends her a miracle.

-Mrs. Mao-bai Ling of Manhattan, New York, is a small, yellow flower with delicate, light-green leaves. She is the new wife of The Chairman, and she hates him with every molecule of her being; she is currently having an affair with a rich white doctor named Hoot. Why does every Asian storyline consist of an Asian princess, a poor-but-driven village boy, an asshole father-in-law, and an outdated honor system that usually ends in death? It's practically Shakespearean. {End of tangent} ....and so the Asian princess is beautiful but always lonely, and the village boy never feels good enough in the eyes of her dictatorial father, so he kills himself to save face, which is quite possibly the dumbest concept I have ever heard of. The End.

Table Two:

-The Husky Sisters, Rayn and Ryver of Laurelhurst, Washington; these twin flowers feature vibrant, purple and gold features and strong, youthful bodies. Athletic and competitive, these natural beauties prefer hiking in the mountains to debutante society balls. With Rayn in medical school and Ryver in law school, their success seems written in the stars. Will their love for the same married man tear them apart? And will Rayn finally come clean about the baby?

-Mrs. Wilkins White of Wellesley, Massachusetts is a prim, white flower who is more unbalanced than she seems. Wilhemina White believes that men are merely stepping stones to the final, ultimate goal: being rich enough so she can live without them. Mrs. White and her husband live in a Bostonian palace with more staff than the governor, but her secret shame is that she's a kleptomaniac. Her burgeoning alcoholism and tumultuous affair with Mr. Mao-bai Ling of Manhattan might be her undoing, but she just can't help herself. When she finds out her husband has been murdered, leaving her a vast fortune and a lot of land, she whispers, "Mrs. White, in the library, with the candlestick." Will anyone find out?

-Mrs. Archibald Arbuthnot and Mrs. Ashton Arbuthnot of Wisteria Island in the Florida Keys are large, dark purple, and nosy; originally from Martha's Vineyard, these sisters-in-law moved with their husbands to Florida three years ago for rest and relaxation. As pillars of the community, these blue-blooded women are deeply respected, and looked at as shining, Papist examples in a world without values. Unfortunately, Mrs. Archibald Arbuthnot has longed to be Mrs. Ashton Arbuthnot since the beginning of time, and Mrs. Ashton Arbuthnot is a barely-functioning pothead thanks to her husband's numerous wanderings. Will Mrs. Archibald finally confront the woman who has stood in front of her happiness for so long? And will Mrs. Ashton reveal she's Mrs. Archibald's long-lost sister?

Table Three:

-The Tudor Sisters, Elizabeth and Mary, of London, England and Paris, France; always rivals, always unhappy with the other, these two half-sisters have battled each other to the bitter end. Elizabeth, with her intellect and wit, and Mary, with her cunning and focus, are formidable teenage enemies. When the time comes for Mary to throw Elizabeth under the bus, she won't even hesitate for a second; but will Elizabeth find a way to dodge the bullet and reclaim the throne that was rightfully hers?

-Mrs. Ivan Ivanovitch of St. Petersburg, Russia; this maroon-velvet flower has an dark, Russian temperament and a detached personality. Zoya Anastacia Ivanovitch is the survivor of many things, including war, the death of a child, a stock market crash, and cancer; she's your typical Russian royal. She hates coming to America because her husband expects her to entertain his clients, but enjoys spending all of his money on shopping trips and extra curricular activities. Her biggest downfalls are young black men and Manolo Blahniks, and she never wants children. Will her husband beat her again if she owns up to poisoning his overbearing mother? It's not like she died.

Stay tuned.


Photo: Danielle Steel and I are currently wearing the same serious writing outfit, but my sleeves are bigger and my bulimic dog is real.

It's safe to say that I'm going to stop trying to write with integrity, and start writing romance novels instead. It's like I'm drinking directly from the Fountain of Fabio; I'm like Danielle fucking Steel. I should be executed.


kiki said...

How. Stoned. Are. You?

Snotty McSnotterson said...

Totally sober, sadly. I know, it seems impossible.

FreNeTic said...


Anonymous said...

Will your work apron fit over those enormous sleeves? As much as I find Danielle Steele's writing to be without a shred of serious literary value, I've got to admit I've read more than one of her novels in my day. Granted, it was years and years ago... But if I had the time nowadays and one of her paperbacks was looking at me from a nearby surface, I would totally pounce on it. And enjoy every minute of it!