Aug 15, 2008

What Kind of a House Is She?

Photo: A brick one.

Preparing for extreme heat in Seattle is like preparing for battle. You have to suit up in the proper uniform, stockpile goods and sundries (SPF-30, Smart water, sunglasses, electric fans, and protective coverings for your windows), and defend your home from the unrelenting sun. To Seattle, 'extreme heat' can be categorized as 'anything over 65', but today is supposed to reach the mid-90's. I am miserable already.

We live on the top floor of a nice brick building, ten months out of the year; for the remaining two months, we live in a wood-fired brick oven. If you opened our front door and left an uncooked pizza in our hallway, it would be cooked in under nine minutes and eaten by me in three. Seattle has unfortunately short summers
--Fourth of July weekend and about three days in August is the most I've come to hope for--so it doesn't make sense to have air-conditioning. We finally broke down yesterday and bought a better fan, and borrowed one from the parents, so hopefully that helps. I'm currently sitting close to the giant wind tunnel that's been created in our apartment, and doing some online research about ways to keep your home cool on a hot, muggy day. Suggestion #1: Keep your computer turned off....

On days like today, it's nice knowing I'll be in my air-conditioned room at work. It would be nicer if I was heading to the South of France for a cool dip in the Mediterranean Sea and a nap in a private cabana, but I didn't win the Lottery today. I didn't mastermind any pyramid schemes, either, but I am working on an advance-fee email scam where I inform you the King of Nigeria has died, and YOU are his successor--even though you've never met and would never in a million years go to Nigeria. I don't need to use the king's real name, just a name without any vowels in it, like KING AGDGDGWNGO; it's more legitimate that way. Then I'll make the Subject line something like "From the Desk of Mr. Oswnbge Agdgdgwngo", and beg for their financial mercy--'Your Assistance is Needed!' or something of the sort. I know this one is a winner.

Speaking of weiner, I'm hungry. That's another thing I hate about the heat: I never want to eat when it's super hot. *shakes fist at the sun* Damn you, sun! You can take away my will to live, but don't take away my food. That's just plain mean. Without food, I can barely complain about stuff, much less be Snotty. Heat makes me lose my edge. I feel like a toddler. I can feel the whining wash over me like an unwanted baptism. I can't stop it. It's happening.


Manthony said...

Three minutes to eat a pizza? You must be out of practice. We should do some training! (In honor of the Olympics.)

Snotty McSnotterson said...

I was going to say "Fuck the Olympics", but now I think I want to say, "Fuck the Chinese! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!"

If pizza eating were a sport in the Olympics, I would be the Nastia Liukens of that event.