Aug 29, 2008

God Bless America, And Nowhere Else

Photo: Vote.

If I could stab John McCain repeatedly, I would. It's not like I would stab him in the face with a knife a hundred times; I'd be happy stabbing his upper arm with a fork, say, three to nine times. It's not an unusual wish, believe me; I can't be the only one. Imagine being married to that guy. Cindy McCain must be a cutter.

It seems like we've been doing this whole election thing for 261984735 years, and there's still two more months of desperate attack campaigning from McCain, and at least another month's worth of ballot-tampering in Florida after that; it seems never ending. I was mildly interested in the beginning, but then like any attention-deficient American, I lost that interest to whatever was more interesting than politics at the time, like MTV's Real World/Road Rules Challenge. Now that the vice presidential hopefuls have been announced, though, I'M BACK IN and ready to rumble.

I never thought I would see this day: a black guy is the democratic nominee for president, and John Fucking McCain picks a Bible-humping chick for his running mate? No, I really didn't think that this day would ever come. I hoped it would, but only thought it might happen after every white guy dropped dead from a Paris Hilton-spread STD, leaving us no other choice. And yes, I'm aware that Barack Obama is half-caucasian, but whatever--it's a historical moment, whether his Halfrican side knows it or not. The only thing his skin color signifies, to me, is the concept of Other. An Other is someone who knows what it's like to be a minority, politically-speaking; a lesbian, a single parent, a junkie, a Jamaican, a blind man, a woman, whatever. This nation is made up of Others, and yet that isn't reflected as much in our delegates; but it's certainly present now in our presidential candidates (excluding John McCain). Hopefully this will open more doors for qualified people of any background. Hopefully.

When this nation began, there was nothing but old, white, wig-wearing pricks in Washington D.C., as far as the eye could see; it's no different now, even though our country is incredibly diverse. But 'diversity' isn't represented much on the House and Senate floors. If you Seattleites recall, our previous governor Gary Locke was the first Asian-American governor in American history, and that was just five years ago; this country doesn't leap towards change or progression so much as it meanders. I am definitely an Other; I'm a brown, female, single (part-time) parent--I'm like THREE Others. Which old white guy in the House is looking after my best interests? How can that guy know what it's like to be anything other than an old white guy, especially if he doesn't give a shit? Do you know how much I want our country to be run by an exclusive club of Good Ol' Boys? About as much as I want to sleep with Cindy Cutting McCain.

What I'm worried about is how toxic the Republican ticket is now; if I thought it was bad before, it's doubly so now, even though his VP isn't so much a person as she is a smiling, three-headed monster. McCain's thinly-veiled choice of Dan Quayle Sarah Palin (soon-to-be Sarah Pro-Life Palin) as his inexperienced running mate can be summed up in this headline:


My response to that headline, in slow-motion, was this: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Sarah Pro-Life Palin stands for everything that is hateful and repugnant in this world; well, at least in my world. She is strongly opposed to abortion, same-sex marriage, and enjoys capital punishment like any red-blooded American, whereas I sing the praises of population control
, gay rights (and the right to get divorced, just like everybody else) and support a less-is-more attitude when it comes to justice killings. Sarah--we're not acquainted, she just wants people to call her that, because she's "down to Earth" like a "real person"--wholly supports drilling the shit out of the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge for oil (she remains 'unconvinced' that global warming is driven by pollution), wants to overturn Roe. v. Wade, and supports the teaching of creationism in the school system. She's a huntin', shootin', fishin' kind of gal, which is the only kind of gal they have in Alaska; she even holds a lifetime membership to the NRA, isn't that charming? This is not who I want representing me or my country--same goes for catheter-needing McCain; and what happens when he bites the dust in the first six months of office? SHE'LL take over. The only way I could loathe them more is if they tried to outlaw bacon.

I watched the Democratic National Convention speeches this morning, and was really inspired. Bill & Hillary Clinton, Barack & Michelle Obama, Ted Kennedy, and Joe Biden were the highlights for me; I enjoyed Barack's speech immensely, and was relieved that I still liked him after staying away for the summer. I don't care what people say--I think that Obama would be a good president, especially after the last eight years we've had with the uneducated dictator. John McCain is a vote for the same ol', same ol' (or just OLD--for fuck's sake, the guy is like 114).

I found out, while registering to vote in this county today, that you need to register 30 days BEFORE the election in order to be legit; if you aren't registered yet, PLEASE DO IT. My mom would really want you to; I don't know about your mom, but mine is pretty formidable, so I would just do what she says. Here is a link to get you started:



Buttercup said...

Then there is my mother...and this is a direct quote: "I don't wanna vote for someone who is just gonna get assasinated. Then I would feel like it was my fault cause I voted for him. That is like putting the gun in my hand." So instead she is not voting. I am not sure if that is good or not because she would surely vote for McCain because if she didn't my dad would surely make her life a living hell.

maaaaaaatttttt said...

And if (when) old-man-McCain kicks it in office, Palin rules the free world...
Excellent ad basis for Democrats...

Also, in an unrelated note, I would like to point out that not only am I "quirky", as you say, but also I am "a mess". Just so's we're clear.

FreNeTic said...

I'm still a little confused why he threw the 'hail mary pass' when he still had a competitive chance. EVEN if he's looking for a token female running mate - there were many more qualified.

And if it is pandering to the disappointed Hillary-philes, he's not giving the 'demographic' enough credit or respect...

It just seems like a weird choice: irresponsible, and tellingly misogynistic.

madhouse 6 said...

best line ever "Bible-humping chick" such a visual.

great post.

not sure about the registering to vote bit - maybe that's just in your area, i know that i'm registered and have been for a while. can you tell me more where you read/learned that?

barbjensen said...

I love this post. You are so great!

Anonymous said...

You rocked the shit out of this post! Thanks!

konichiwa, bitches. said...

i nearly died at "Cindy Cutting McCain".

My mom works the polls, and she will kill you after your mom has killed you. Too bad I'm too far away for her to kill, cos I'm not bothered to go all the way to the Embassy to register to absentee vote. If Obama loses it will be my fault.

Snotty McSnotterson said...

Buttercup: I never, ever want to meet your parents. Ever.

Matt: I am also quirky, as well as a mess, so we will balance each other out.

Frenetic: It was a desperation move, but one we'll have to live with if he takes office and keels over, like everyone expects him to. Can you see her leading the COUNTRY? Hell no. With her experience and background, the United States of America will become the United States of Alaska.

Madhouse 6: That is a rule here in King County, Washington, which I happened to find here:

Barb: No, YOU are so great.

Seriouslyflippant: Interesting name. And thank you for reading.

Konichiwa: If he loses, I really will blame you. Even though you're in Germany. :)

Manthony said...

Better Palin than Paris (Hilton). Maybe.

And it only looks like a desperate move to people who actually think about things. If you are conservative by nature, you merely hear that she's a God-fearing, gun-toting, child-rearing, oil-drilling Governor of the great State of Alaska and you are SOLD.

Snotty McSnotterson said...

Well, after you said THAT, I was sold, too.

I'm also tired of my guy friends making hubba-hubba noises about her. So she's not UGLY, big fucking deal. SHE'S UGLY ON THE INSIDE.

Maaaaaaatttttt said...


I want to be on the record as being a guy NOT making hubba-hubba noises. Many people are not UGLY, but that doesn't always equal: "hot," "cute," pretty," "desirable," or, especially, "electable."

On a slightly more serious tone (although I am TOTALLY serious about the above... just also flippant), can we (as in "America") stop stop stop talking about the execution of a black man who is running for president as though we were all card-carrying KKK-ers???? (None of y'all above are doing so, but from behind my bar, I hear a lot). Obama may very well turn out to be the heir to RFK or Lincoln or whatever, but come on. I keep hearing this stuff debated (stuff being, "well, if Obama survives the election, it'll be President Biden). It's so creepy. So so so creepy. Irony is not always appropriate. ARRRG.

After all, it's not like talking about Cheney shooting people. That's funny.

Linda Sue said...

I'm REALLY blond, I am voting for Obama cuz he's wayeee CUTE and like does that thing with his eyes...My husband is a twice supporter of BUSH and will most likely vote for McNasty...divorce is not an option, murder, maybe..anyway I SO love your blog, you only speak the truth, I ADORE you!