Hippie-Tested, Oprah-Approved

RANT

Whole Foods Market. Never have I been so committed to an unhealthy relationship like I am to this one; the guy I dated who decided he was gay, the drug dealer with mommy issues, and that asshole loser who hit me got nothin' on Whole Foods. Upon entering the upscale market, I instantly feel fat, unworthy, and poor--something that is all-too familiar from my previous relationships with men who were fat, unworthy, and poor. Being fat isn't a new concept to me, and the same goes for being poor: I'm freakishly consistent in both, actually. But self-worth, something I'm low on already, shouldn't be handed down from my local neighborhood market, no matter how good their Milk Chocolate Panna Cotta with Blood Oranges and Pistachios are (like sin, they're so good).

There are two types of people who flood Whole Foods Market: hippies and yuppies. They are separate, but equal--I'm convinced it's only these two groups that eat quinoa and drink Yerba Mate. Quinoa (KEEN-wa) is a species of goosefoot, eaten mostly for the seeds, and is also known as a pseudocereal. I know, it even sounds tasty. Only a white hippie or a white yuppie could unearth such a discovery and brand the ever-loving shit out of it; I can see it now: 'A species of goosefoot called quinoa? 'Pseudocereal' sounds so scientific! It's a seed, you say? And it tastes like the butthole of an organic Grape Nut? OH MY GOD WE ARE GOING TO MAKE A FORTUNE.' I also believe it's an unholy combination, hippies and yuppies, shopping peacefully together for overpriced 'food', like organic Fuyu persimmons and conventional tumeric root (both a high priority for the Earth-human diet). Hippies probably like what Whole Foods represents: food that even an animal wouldn't eat. Does your dog enjoy eating Kabocha squash or organic mellow brown miso? Of course not! But a hippie does. So does the yuppie, as long as it's shiny, expensive, and Oprah-approved. Whole Foods is all of those things and more.

I resent the fact that Whole Foods is so awesome, even amidst all of their scandals. And even Wikipedia says Whole Foods is 'a food retailer of "natural" and organic products', in quotation marks, like "natural ha-HA". I resent the order in the store, and how pretty everything is, with vegetables artistically arranged and gleaming in the museum mood lighting; it also seems like everyone shopping there is also shiny, expensive, and Oprah-approved. The hippies are the clean, nerdy kind; the yuppies are of the 'rich, white, and down to Earth' variety. I am none of those things. When I go grocery shopping, I want to feel good about myself, not like I should have put lipstick on before going to the gym, and it would be nice if their price point didn't rape my bank account from behind every time I go there. But if it wasn't all of those things, it wouldn't be Whole Paycheck Foods. It would be QFC (eww) or Safeway (double-eww) or Albertson's (Patricia Heaton can suck my Milk Chocolate Panna Cotta)--and I'd miss the experience of trying to fit in, hoping to look like I belong. Also, as relationships go, it's only emotionally abusive (not physical, verbal, or sexual), which is a step in a direction. That's the real reason why I will continue shopping there: addiction hope. If Whole Foods can affect my self-esteem so easily, surely it can nurse me back to health, just like the gay guy would have, the drug dealer could have, and the asshole loser should have. Of all the unhealthy relationships I've had in my life, this one is my favorite.

RAVE

Whole Foods Market. That place is fucking awesome.