If you can find something more annoying and universally obnoxious than
Speaking of inappropriate public porn (because there's a lot of appropriate porn in public), Abercrombie & Fitch continues to push the limits of advertising reason with their smooth, tanned, extremely young boys of summer; the marketing campaign consists of brobdingnagian black-and-white photos of half-naked children. Again. Hello! Calvin Klein did this 20 years ago--your shit is tired. Also, it affects me EVERY. DAY. The first thing I see when I get to work is Abercrombie (they're right next door); I walk past the open doors, Rick Astley's 'Never Gonna Give You Up' blaring from the store, and see a MONUMENTAL PHOTO of a 12-year old's Photoshopped torso and his Ken doll anatomy. It's not 'life-size', because if that were true, this kid's mother was Paul Bunyan; his belly button is the size of my ass. I also feel bad that all of the Abercrombie models are neutered before being photographed. They don't even get to enjoy their own junk before it's surgically removed. Sad.
Last but not least, American Eagle Outfitters: boooooring. Big-time yawn. Their catchy slogan for the summer is this:
LIVE YOUR LIFE.
Quite the Think Tank they have over there at American Eagle; a veritable brain trust. OUT OF ALL THE WORDS IN THE WORLD, this is what they came up with? Think of the countless meetings, research, emails, phone calls, and money that went into this slogan. PEOPLE WERE PAID FOR THIS. I guess One Life to Live was already taken by the soap opera industry--bastards! I'm sure the Think Tank was sitting around at a big mahogany table, and they were all, well 'Don't Live Your Life' doesn't really work. We don't want American Eagle-related suicides in the paper. And 'Live Someone Else's Life' doesn't sound quite right, either; might inspire stalking. What about 'Living Is For the Living'? Does that sound too...redundant? Or like we're a home for senior citizens? Hmmm...this one's a toughie! And then they all went out for lunch, living their lives like our lives should be lived.
LIVE YOUR LIFE. Because the alternative is too depressing. American Eagle Outfitters.
Snotty is back, and going into advertising. If you know any tweeners with low morals and a come-hither look, let me know.