Jul 24, 2008


Photo: Modesty at its' finest.

If you can find something more annoying and universally obnoxious than American Eagle Outfitters Abercrombie & Fitch American Apparel, then I say BRING IT. There is nothing more soul-sucking or underwhelming than the Crayola-colored tights at American Apparel, nothing more galling than their pre-teen pornography that masquerades as advertising. Were I a colorblind, anorexic, meth-smoking freshman at UW, moonlighting as a low-budg prostitute (Incoming Calls Only), I might shop there, as that's their targeted audience.

Speaking of inappropriate public porn (because there's a lot of appropriate porn in public), Abercrombie & Fitch continues to push the limits of advertising reason with their smooth, tanned, extremely young boys of summer; the marketing campaign consists of brobdingnagian black-and-white photos of half-naked children
. Again. Hello! Calvin Klein did this 20 years ago--your shit is tired. Also, it affects me EVERY. DAY. The first thing I see when I get to work is Abercrombie (they're right next door); I walk past the open doors, Rick Astley's 'Never Gonna Give You Up' blaring from the store, and see a MONUMENTAL PHOTO of a 12-year old's Photoshopped torso and his Ken doll anatomy. It's not 'life-size', because if that were true, this kid's mother was Paul Bunyan; his belly button is the size of my ass. I also feel bad that all of the Abercrombie models are neutered before being photographed. They don't even get to enjoy their own junk before it's surgically removed. Sad.

Last but not least, American Eagle Outfitters: boooooring. Big-time yawn. Their catchy slogan for the summer is this:


Quite the Think Tank they have over there at American Eagle; a veritable brain trust. OUT OF ALL THE WORDS IN THE WORLD, this is what they came up with? Think of the countless meetings, research, emails, phone calls, and money that went into this slogan. PEOPLE WERE PAID FOR THIS. I guess One Life to Live was already taken by the soap opera industry--bastards! I'm sure the Think Tank was sitting around at a big mahogany table, and they were all, well 'Don't Live Your Life' doesn't really work. We don't want American Eagle-related suicides in the paper. And 'Live Someone Else's Life' doesn't sound quite right, either; might inspire stalking. What about 'Living Is For the Living'? Does that sound too...redundant? Or like we're a home for senior citizens? Hmmm...this one's a toughie! And then they all went out for lunch, living their lives like our lives should be lived.

LIVE YOUR LIFE. Because the alternative is too depressing. American Eagle Outfitters.

Snotty is back, and going into advertising. If you know any tweeners with low morals and a come-hither look, let me know.


Mike Valentino said...

I just stumbled across your blog and it's fucking nice. Keep up the great work!

vivacious said...

Yay for putting down UWers! Sorry- I'm a Coug...

And as for those pretentious, creativity-lacking, popped-collar-wearing d-bags at those retail establishments, every time I walk by one in the mall I want to barf all over their $80 non-cashmere sweaters because they pump their latest cologne into the air vents and it makes me sick.

I went shopping for a polo at A & F once (I was going through a fashion phase I like to call "geek chic"), and they had the crappy pop-techno mix blasting into the dressing rooms I had to practically deafen the associate helping me by shouting out the size I needed.

Hollister also falls into that sickening category. Their products must be pretty crappy if they can't even keep their shop well-lit inside.

Or maybe this is just revealing that I'm getting old.

Oh God.

Snotty McSnotterson said...

To be fair, I live right next to UW, and you can see the campus FROM the American Apparel store. Also, my boyfriend was a Husky, but my Coug brothers would also be proud of the UW mention. :)

MichelleB said...

Yay for the hit on American Apparel...never have gotten that place, yet I've people bring it up in conversation and say things like "I love that place!" "Wow, me too!!!"

I've even gone in and tried to pretend like I could like it, only to walk out thinking this was part of the Seattle culture that I was just plain NEVER going to be a part of.

Oh yeah, and thanks for the business card, nice work!

Timo said...

ummmm I know you aren't mocking rick astley. didn't I see him in your pile of vinyl?

konichiwa, bitches. said...

a few years ago, when I was still fresh-faced and young (read: 22) I used to make fun of people in Abercrombie, American Eagle, and anyone remember Hollister? They would come in the store wearing a $30 sweatshop T-shirt with just a store name on it and I would ask them, "Is Hollister, like, a band? Everyone is wearing those shirts" and the innocent wannabes would be like, "No, silly, it's a store," and chuckle smugly.

Why was/am I such an asshole?

P.S. You are the best blogger ever.