Feb 3, 2009

The Fine Line Between 'Happy' and 'Bitter'





















I'm getting a little tired of writing "Oh em gee! Congratulations on your engagement! I'm so happy for you two!" on everybody's Facebook pages. I'm not being uncharitable. I'm just being a bitch.

Yesterday, my friend Carly got engaged--ohemgee! congrats! so happy!--and she is the TWELFTH PERSON I know who's been asked The Big One this past year. That's twelve happy couples, most of them getting married in 2009 or 2010. Statistically speaking, half of these couples will be divorced within five years, but I like to think these twelve will make it, and twelve *other* couples--people from Australia, Florida, Mars--will ultimately fail. I won't win any points wishing divorce upon people (or Martians), but I'm fairly certain folks wished for my inevitable divorce, which was the best thing that ever happened to my ex-husband. It was good for me, too, but terrifying; I'd never been alone before. Through my sobbing I heard a thousand trumpets heralding his departure, so I figured that was a good sign.

NO, I AM NOT JEALOUS OF MY FRIENDS. NUH-UH. AM NOT. A little.

We can't afford toilet paper, much less a wedding; we're so broke, we can't afford to dream about a different kind of life. Lately, I've started making handwritten lists of activities I used to do, food I used to eat, things I used to buy; it's provocative like a love letter, wistful like a lost love. It's like a Hope Chest: the 'I sure fucking HOPE we can do these things again someday' Hope Chest. So, a wedding is a no-go. Plus, it's still early--if I know my boyfriend, I'd say we're at about half-time in the Big Game, maybe even a time-out in the third quarter. I don't know why I'm using football references; I guess so he won't understand what I'm talking about.

I don't object to marriage, or any of these specific couples getting married--OMG! w00t! happy!--I'm just astounded by the timing. If there ever was an onslaught of marital bliss, a veritable avalanche of shindiggery, a slew of receptions from which to do regrettable things, THIS IS IT. Couldn't they have staggered their collective happiness into something easier for me to emotionally and financially handle? Yeah, that's right, you couples should have been thinking about my needs--HOW DARE YOU. The audacity of your inherent happiness offends me, sir, it surely does. What? I SAID GOOD DAY, SIR.

It's hard enough to come up with funds for a wedding shower gift, bachelorette party debauchery, wedding gift, the inevitable baby shower gift that comes a year later--but twelve times over? I CAN'T EVEN COUNT THAT HIGH. That being said, congratulations to all of my newly-betrothed friends. Oh! Em! Gee! I am just so happy for you all. I hope you enjoy your wedding gifts of stolen single-ply toilet paper and hastily-handwritten wishlists. If you're lucky, I'll throw in a dream for free. Maybe this one:

I had a dream last night that I was Britney Spears, performing a song at The Showbox in downtown Seattle, with back-up dancers who turned out to be drag queens. Is this a sign that my life is finally in the shitter? Or was it a cosmic message about a possible future career as
a drag queen back-up dancer? Don't knock it; I'll pretty much do anything at this point.


18 comments:

Furtive Flatulence said...

It was a cosmic message about a possible future career WITH a drag queen back-up dancer. You'll be their agent.

Snotty McSnotterson said...

So true. You know everything.

Tobias! said...

Glad you opened up comments on this one - don't let 'em get you down, girl! I love this blog, which is why I keep coming back ;)

I'm sure you'll get proposed to and then this will turn into a wedding blog. LOL

Snotty McSnotterson said...

There is so much truth in that last statement. SO. MUCH.

Any girl who gets engaged turns her blog into a wedding site, DUH. :)

will.eye.am said...

bitter much? lol

you sound like my gf, only less screechy.

Anonymous said...

I personally can't wait for you two to get hitched. The blog post on that one will make me laugh til I die, I'm sure.

I meant that in a good way. XO

-Stacey

Snotty McSnotterson said...

will -

don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me? *whip* don't you wish your girlfriend was a FREAK like me? dontcha.

you do. asshat. :p

Snotty McSnotterson said...

Stacey: it will be the shortest blog post in history.

"I do. He do. We do. Jello shots!"

But more eloquent.

Kiki said...

Obviously Stacey has not heard about your first wedding ceremony.

Buttercup said...

People are getting engaged because they have HOPE now. :P

Snotty McSnotterson said...

Kiki, not even *you* were there to prove it ever happened.

Snotty McSnotterson said...

Buttercup: so finally I have a bone to pick with Obama.

Comedy Goddess said...

Weddings are a huge expense all around. Stay strong. Write them each a nice poem. You can do it Snotty.

Snotty McSnotterson said...

Comedy Goddess: methinks you're onto something. But I'm taking even a lazier step and doing HAIKUS. Fewer words that way.

Cowguy said...

Always ignore the first engagement... it's just practice.

Snotty McSnotterson said...

That's what I did! Good advice, I'll pass it on.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock said...

"I don't know why I'm using football references; I guess so he won't understand what I'm talking about." <--OhEmGee! (*snort*) I nearly peed with laughter.

Jeez, and I thought pregnancy was going around like it was in the water. Maybe it's engagements instead? I hear it's the new skinny.

Snotty McSnotterson said...

If being engaged is the new skinny, I'm going to be fat for a while. Great.